Content Warning.

  SpoilerMentions of rape.

  [colpse]Holly’s lips find mine once more, and my heart pounds at the feeling of her pressed against me, the slight earthy smell that floods my nostrils as her body comes close to mine. We stay locked in an embrace for a long time, before she eventually pulls away.

  “I suppose we should get your makeup off, and get you back in your own clothing…” She says, seeming sad about the whole thing.

  I swallow my feelings and nod. “Yeah… I suppose we should…”

  She stands up, and I follow her, feeling a hollow ache in my core. When I take this off, I have to go back to being myself. Someone who Holly isn’t attracted to. Holly throws her arms around me, and pulls me into a tight hug.

  She nuzzles into my neck and murmurs into my ear. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

  After a few moments she pulls away, and wipes my cheek. Oh… I’m crying… “Sorry…” I say bashfully. “I just… You like me this way… I don’t want her to leave.”

  Holly sighs hard, and kisses me on the lips. “Daniel…” My core shrivels at her use of my name. So male and disgusting. Not a name she could ever love. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you so hard. I’m not just going to stop wanting to be with you when we wipe this makeup off.”

  “I know…” I lie. “I just… I’m scared.”

  She lets out a breath, and takes my hand in hers. “Next time you come here, right when you get here, I’ll do your makeup and put you in more of my clothes, that way you don’t have to be scared, okay?”

  “Okay.” I say, resigning myself for the potential outcomes. “Let's get this over with.”

  Holly pulls out a damp white cloth from a pstic package, and sets about wiping my face. With every sweep of her hand across my skin, I sink further and further into the pit of my own feelings. I know she said she’ll still want me, regardless… but then she immediately talked about dressing me up again. I don’t think she would want me as a boy…

  She throws the makeup wipe away, and leads me by the hand back to her bedroom. “Come on, hon.” She says, kissing me on the cheek. “Get changed. You wouldn’t want your mom to see you like this, would you?”

  I shake my head and start removing my clothes. As I am about to pull off her underwear, Holly stops me. “Keep it.” I look over at her quizzically, and she smiles at me. “I have too many anyway, in fact…” She reaches into her drawer and pulls out two more pairs. “This way you will always have a pair.”

  “Thank you, Holly.” I say as I take them and shove them into my bag along with my boxers. “Thank you.”

  She smiles at me, and I quickly throw on my pants and tank top from earlier. Once again I wrap my fnnel around my waist, and then just sit there awkwardly on her bed. She smiles, standing in front of me, and then pushes me back, and climbs into my p.

  “I’m going to miss you a lot.” She says, her eyes sparkling. “Can you come back tomorrow?”

  “I’ll ask my mom.” I say, the thought of seeing her again renewing the energy in my heart. “I really want to.”

  “Good.” She says with a smile. “Now that I know your secret, do you think you can show me your music?”

  I nod repeatedly. “Yes. I can.”

  My phone rings, and I pull it out and answer it. Just as I am about to speak, Holly stops me. “Your voice.” She whispers.

  Right… I lower my trachea, and my voice comes out in the harsh buzzy mess that I’m used to. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hey, Kiddo. I’m outside.” She says.

  “Coming.” I say, and hang up the phone.

  Holly climbs off of me, and takes my hand as we walk to the front door. I put on my shoes, and then reach for the handle, but Holly stops me, and pulls me into another kiss.

  “I really like you.” She says, her breath light against my lips. “Please don’t get too into your head about this. I’m not going anywhere. It’s like I said, you’re mine.”

  “I’m yours.” I say, and force a smile onto my face. “Thank you, Holly.”

  “Always, hon.” She says, and then lets me open the door.

  I get into my mom’s car, and wave to Holly as we drive away. My mom waits until we are out of sight before speaking up. “Are you alright?”

  I take a breath, and force all the happy thoughts of Holly being my girlfriend to the forefront of my brain. My smile is real when I turn to her. “More than alright.” I say brightly. “Holly asked me out, and I said yes.”

  I have to cover my ears at my mom’s squeal. “That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!”

  “Thanks, Mom.” I say, after uncovering my ears. “Speaking of Holly, can I come see her again tomorrow?”

  “Sure!” She replies, her voice bouncy and fun. “Oh, young love…”

  “Moooommmm!”

  ?????????????

  I watch Emmy drive away, and turn around to find May waiting for me. “What was that?” She asks, accusingly.

  “What was what?” I ask, confused.

  “You kissed him!” She nearly shouts at me.

  “We’re dating.” I say simply. “It’s all part of the pn.”

  “Right…” She says slowly. “I’m starting to question whether your pn is even worth it. He’s already seen as a creep and a weirdo. No one is really going to care that much when he shows up as a girl to school. Yeah he’ll get some ughs, maybe some stares, but for how much work you’re putting in, what you’re forcing yourself to do, it’s not a very big pay off.”

  “You’re right…” I say slowly, contempting her words. “I’ll think about it. Maybe there's a way to up the stakes.”

  “Maybe…” My big sister says slowly. “Or maybe you should just end it here. Call it a bust and stop talking to him.”

  “No!” I say quickly. “No. I’ve put in too much work already. I’ll see this through.”

  “Whatever you say.” She says as she heads back to the stairs. “Mom’s not coming home again tonight.”

  “And it’s my turn to cook.” I say, more than a little annoyed. “Guess I’ll get on that.”

  Cooking dinner takes a bit longer than I wanted, and I decide not to sit with May to eat. With my pte in hand, I head into my room. May is right… There isn’t really a big payoff for this. After breaking the egg, I slurp away at the ramen I made. Where do I want to go with this…

  My phone lights up, and I stare at the photo on the lockscreen for a moment before reading the texts from Emmy.

  ‘I’m home safe. My mom is making something interesting that I can’t wait to try. Have you ever heard of Eggs in Purgatory?’

  The newest text, the one that just showed up, is accompanied by a photo of what looks like marinara with a poached egg on top, covered in cheese.

  ‘Okay so, this may be my new favorite food. It’s so good!’

  ‘Maybe if you come to my house at some point, you can stay for dinner, and I’ll ask her to make this.’

  ‘I’d love that. Both going to your house, and trying that. It looks delicious.’

  ‘I’m gonna read for a bit, and maybe head to bed a bit early. Goodnight.’

  ‘<3’

  ‘Okay. Goodnight Holly. <3’

  I set my phone down, and feel something tickle at my chin. My hand traces along my face and comes away wet. Why am I crying…? The events of the day fill my mind like a whirlwind. And why was I crying earlier?

  The memory of sobbing into Emmy’s arms comes back to my head in full swing. Those tears were real… I don’t understand why this is happening. I finish my food while ruminating on this development.

  After sitting for a while, I slump into bed and curl my knees to my chest. Emmy is genuinely really nice… Could she be the same girl who raped Alice? I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. Emmy couldn’t do that… If she did, then what does that say about me?

  My body starts to shake once more, and with my girlfriend unable to comfort me, I sob into my pillow. My girlfriend… No. That’s something I’m making up in my head. Danny is my boyfriend… Not even a real one at that. He just thinks he is…

  Maybe that can change though? Maybe I don’t have to break up with him? Maybe he can just stay a girl forever. He’s certainly gullible enough to do it, judging by how he handled today.

  I open the photos we took today, and start scrolling through them. She does seem happy. I’m happy too… Maybe I just let her stay this way. Another thought hits my brain like a sack of wet mice. No… If I am actually starting to develop feelings for her, I can’t do that to her. This has to end. One way or another…

  The photo of me kissing her on the cheek swipes into view, and I spend a good long while staring at it. Not yet though… I’m enjoying this far too much.

  ?????????????

  I sit down at my computer, another meal fully consumed, and throw on my headphones. Today was such a rollercoaster. Thoughts of my new girlfriend fill my mind. Holly actually wants to be with me. Even if it is only the feminine parts of me she likes… I sigh deeply. I don’t exactly hate them either. This is so confusing.

  I open up Harmony, and see that none of my friends are online. Oh well. At least I can finally finish that song. It takes a while for my music editing software to open, and even longer for the different tracks of the song I’ve been working on to appear on screen.

  I find where I left off, and continue adding various synth tracks as the song goes. Maybe I could start this off with a guitar riff… I reach into the closet, and roll my chair back as I pull my guitar in my p.

  My guitar is homemade, something my mom helped me do when I couldn’t decide on one at the store. Less that she helped me, and more that she made it based on my design. I just held things for her.

  The guitar is very round, in a style the box called ‘Rockabilly’ and is stained a weathered bck. Engraved on the rgest open space of wood is a blooming set of roses. I love this thing so much.

  After searching for the cable amidst my tangle of wires, I plug the guitar into my computer. Now what… I py around with a few different chords for a moment, and after a long time of trying out different things, I decide on a rising and falling pattern of three power chords.

  I set the track to recording, and py the intro, before listening back to it. Not great… I delete it and start over quite a few times before being happy with the way it sounds. After putting my guitar into its pce in my closet, I continue working on the song.

  After changing up the melody a few times, and having it fade outside the chorus, I finally sit back and listen to the song in completion. Good. Really good, actually. I py it again, and again. On the next pythrough I whisper along with the lyrics.

  After the guitar intro, the melody continues loud as I whisper the chorus. “I’m just a ghost in my own skin. Watching life, but can’t fit in. Neon lights, they blur and spin, the world moves on, where do I begin?”

  The melody falls away into light tones, and I continue with the first verse. “In my head, it’s a lonely pce, echoes bounce but there’s no embrace. The world spins fast, but I’m stuck in space, lost in time, I can’t find my pce.”

  The noise picks back up, and I sing quietly along with the chorus, before falling back into the second verse. “My heart beats loud, but I’m not here, silent screams that no one hears. Shadows dance, the end is near. In this crowd, I disappear.”

  The chorus comes once more, and I feel tears dripping down my cheeks as I follow. The song fades into the bridge, and I do my best to wipe them away. “Colors fade, I’m out of sync. With every blink, I start to shrink. Lost in thoughts, can’t even think. The edge is near, I’m on the brink.”

  The melody fades as the st chorus comes faintly into existence. “I’m just a ghost in my own skin. Watching life, but can’t fit in. Neon lights, they blur and spin, the world moves on, where do I begin?”

  This really could be a career for me… I could be a singer. A pop star… I’ve never shown these to anyone before… I need feedback. I open Harmony, and send a quick message in my friend’s server.

  ‘LunarEcho: Hey, is anyone able to call? I need some advice.’

  Almost instantly two people start typing.

  ‘ThunderVolf: I’m here. Main channel or private?’

  ‘HaleyFYS: I can call. What’s going on?’

  ‘LunarEcho: Main channel is fine. I’ll expin in voice.’

  I hop into the voice channel, and wait for them to arrive. After a few moments they hop in, as well as one of my other friends, NovaCloud, also joins.

  “Hey girl, what’s up?” Nova asks, her voice soft and soothing.

  “Yeah, is everything alright?” Volf asks.

  I work the muscles in my throat back to where they need to be for my girl voice. “I’m fine.” I say evenly, my voice still slightly strained. “I’ve told you all that I want to be a musician when I get older, right?”

  “Yeah.” Haley responds. “What about it?”

  “Well,” I say, trying to figure out how to ask this. “I’ve never shown off my music before, but I want to. Do you three mind if I py this new song I just made for you?”

  “Go for it!” Nova says excitedly.

  “Yeah, do it!” Volf responds. “What type of song is it?”

  “Hyperpop.” I say with a smile. “Let me get it set up. One moment.” I open up a stream of my music program. “Can everyone see my stream?”

  They all say that they can, so I press py. Once the song is over, I end my stream and eagerly await their responses.

  “Holy shit, dude.” Volf says. “That was incredible!”

  “Yeah, what he said.” Nova replies. “I loved it. It’s so good!”

  “You’re gonna be famous.” Haley responds. “Like, genuinely. How long have you been making music for?”

  “A few years.” I expin. “I started when I was eleven, but that was just me learning to py a few instruments. I didn’t start actually making my own songs until st year, and I didn’t really get into hyperpop until just before I turned fourteen.”

  “How many other songs do you have that are like this?” Nova asks.

  “Four.” I say, my face lit with a bright smile. “I only started recently. I’m really happy you all like them. I’m hoping that I’ll have a good amount ready to release when I turn eighteen.”

  “You’re gonna blow up when you do.” Volf says. “Seriously.”

  “Oh, um, I have some other news, if you don’t mind me sharing.”

  “Go ahead.” Nova says happily.

  “Well, I have a girlfriend!” I almost shout.

  “Congrats dude!” Volf says. “I’m happy for you!”

  “Yeah, congrats! That’s awesome.” Nova replies. “I had no idea you were into girls.”

  “Huh?” I ask, confused. Right… They think I’m a girl. “Oh, right. Yeah. I am.”

  “Is she cute?” Haley asks, her voice giddy.

  “She’s stunning.” I say dreamily. “Here, let me show you.”

  I open Harmony on my phone, and send the photo of Holly kissing my cheek, as well as one of us just together, to the server.

  “Which one is you?” Nova asks.

  “I have brown hair.” I expin. “Holly is blonde.”

  “You’re both really pretty!” Haley shouts. “You especially, Luna. You’re beautiful.”

  “Thanks.” I say, blushing at her compliments. “I should probably get some sleep. I’m going to see her tomorrow.”

  “Have a goodnight!” Nova says.

  “Sweet dreams!” Haley responds.

  “Later, dude!” Volf says, and then exits the call.

  I hang up as well, and turn off my computer. Wow… I can’t believe how well this is going… My music could really be popur… I strip down to my underwear and start to crawl into bed, when something Holly said reverberates in my brain. She was wearing my fnnel, so she could give me something that smells like her… Maybe I should do the same.

  I wrap my bck fnnel around myself, and crawl into bed. Hopefully she likes the way I smell… I spend a while scrolling through videos online, before eventually just staring at one of the photos of Holly and I together. We really are beautiful…

  SpoilerWow. This has been a trip. This is the ending of the first arc of this book. I have four more arcs pnned, all of which will be posted under this story, and I'm expecting each one to be of simir length to this one. This is really shaping up to be a great story, and I am so excited to continue.

  [colpse]