After who knows how long of sitting in Holly’s arms, I eventually hear footsteps approaching. I tuck my face into Holly’s chest, not wanting to face them after my outburst. The footsteps stop only a few feet away.

  “It’s just me.” Paige says. “Can I sit?” I do my best to nod, and hear her sit next to us. “Can I touch you?”

  I freeze, and look up to Holly. She nods at me, so I agree. “S-sure…”

  I feel a soft hand on my shoulder, and she squeezes my arm twice. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to go back there…”

  Paige sighs and scoots a little closer to me. “What do you want?”

  “I…” I pause and try to think for a moment. “I don’t know…”

  “Do you want to go home?” Holly asks.

  “No!” I shout immediately. “No… I don’t want to be away from you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, love.” Holly says, and squeezes my hand.

  “I’m sorry about May.” Paige says softly. “That was really shitty of her.”

  I choose not to respond, and just sit there in Holly’s arms. Why did this hit me so hard? Paige shifting her position pulls me away for a moment. I don’t know.

  “Emmy,” Paige says softly. “Can I talk to you alone for a moment?”

  I shake my head, but Holly speaks up. “I think it might be good for you. Paige is nice, and really good with emotional stuff. Much better than I am.”

  “But…” I start to say.

  “I won’t be far.” Holly promises. “I won’t lie, the idea of not hearing does worry me.” She sighs deeply. “But it’s not healthy for me to not give you time alone.”

  Paige gives her a look that I don’t understand, but doesn’t remark on it. “So Emmy, can we talk?”

  I reluctantly climb out of Holly’s p, and let her walk a good distance away. “What do you want…?” I ask softly, not trying to sound mean.

  “I wanted to ask you something.” She says, and I just stare at her. “So, what I understand so far, is that you’re dressing like a girl, and took a girls name so you can be with Holly, yea?”

  “I… sorta…” I say, my voice whisper soft. “It’s complicated.”

  “How so?” Paige asks.

  “I…” I say, unsure of how to word this. “I don’t know… I just… I never really fit in before. I never really felt like a person, but now… I don’t know… I feel more real. I have Holly. I actually feel wanted. I… I’m happy.”

  “You’re happy like this?” Paige asks.

  I stop myself, and take a moment before responding. “I don’t know… I don’t know if It’s just because I finally have a girlfriend, or because I actually like myself this way. I don’t know…”

  “I get it.” She says softly. “This type of thing can be difficult. Answer a question for me.”

  “Sure.” I say.

  “If you could go back to dressing like a boy, and knew that Holly wouldn’t leave you, would you?”

  “I don’t know.” I say honestly.

  “That’s okay.” She says with a smile. “It’s okay not to know.”

  “Please don’t tell anyone.” I say. “I’m not sure what this means, and I need time to figure it out.”

  “Okay.” She says with a smile. “I won’t say anything. I promise.”

  “Thank you…”

  “You’re welcome.” She says, and offers me her hand as she stands up.

  I take it, and she pulls me into a hug. “Thank you…” I say again, and let out a small sniffle before pulling away.

  We walk towards Holly, and she runs into my arms. “Are you okay?” She murmurs into my ear.

  “Yeah…” I say softly. “I just have a lot to think about.”

  “What do you want to do right now?” Holly asks.

  “Can we go take a nap?” I ask. “I want to fall asleep with you.”

  “I can’t promise I’ll be sleeping,” Holly says, as she pulls me towards her house. “But I will happily hold you while you sleep.”

  “Thank you.”

  I hold tightly to Holly as we walk up the sidewalk to her house. Aiden and May are speaking animatedly, but fall deadly silent as we walk in. Both of their eyes lock onto me, and I just kinda freeze.

  May starts to speak, but Paige cuts her off. “Don’t even start!”

  I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry for any strain I may have caused.”

  “You didn’t do anything.” She insists.

  “Emmy and I are going to take a nap.” Holly says, and pulls me towards her room. “Don’t bother us.”

  I refuse to meet anyone's eyes as we enter her room. She pulls me onto her bed, and envelops me in a tight hug. She rolls onto her back, and I rest my head on her chest and tangle our legs together.

  She sighs happily as I scoot in as close as I possibly can to her, and close my eyes. Today has been a lot… My brain races through everything that has happened. Do I like being this way just because it makes Holly happy?

  I need to break this down scientifically. What do I like right now? Images of Holly are obviously the first to enter my mind, but then the memories of the photos we took together follow. It’s not just her that I like…

  Would she stay if I didn’t like this though? A thought pings around in my head that I decide to focus on. If I knew for a fact that Holly would stay if I went back to being a boy full time, would I?

  I don’t get to ruminate on this topic long, as Holly’s warmth and smell quickly lull me into a dreamless sleep.

  ?????????????

  “Yeah, sorry.” Holly says quietly. “I’ll get him up right now.”

  “Holly…?” I ask, confused.

  “Hey, Emmy.” She says as she puts my phone down. “Rise and shine.”

  “Who was that?” I ask, still confused.

  “Your mom.” She says with a smile. “She called you once, and you didn't wake up, so I answered for you the second time.”

  “Thank you.” I say, my voice strained. “She’s on her way here?”

  “Yeah.” Holly says sadly.

  “I’m sorry I slept our day away.” I say sadly.

  “Don’t apologize, love.” She says, and kisses my lips. “You clearly needed it.”

  “Yeah…” I say, after savoring her kiss. “I enjoyed it.”

  “Any dreams?” She asks.

  “Not that I can remember,” I say with a smile. “But I don’t think so.”

  “Oh well…” She says softly, before stroking my cheek. “We gotta wipe this off love, and get you back into your normal clothes.”

  I nod, and she gets up to go grab a makeup wipe. It takes her a few moments to wipe away my face, and I just y there feeling hollow. “I really don’t want to go home.”

  “I don’t want you to either, babe.” She says, and gives me another kiss. “I wish you could spend the night but… neither of our parents would allow that.”

  “Yeah…” I say sadly. “Oh well.”

  I set about pulling off my wonderful clothes, and putting on what I came here in. Once I’m done, I just y in Holly’s arms and try to enjoy what little time I have left with her. She pys with my hair while we cuddle, and soon enough my mom is texting me that she’s here.

  I stand up, retaining Holly’s hand while I do. She gives me a soft smile, and stops me before I leave. “Can I ask you something?”

  I smile as I look at her. “Of course. You can always ask me anything, and I will always be honest with you, no matter what.”

  Her eyes flick down, and then quickly back up to mine. “If we make it through highschool together, would you want to get married?”

  Oh my… “Yes.” I say instantly.

  “Good.” She says, smiling and looking down. “ I um…” She pulls out a ring that she must have gotten from her jewelry box while she was grabbing the makeup wipe. “I want you to have this, so that you can look at it, and always know that I love you.”

  Tears break onto my cheeks. “Thank you, Holly.” I whisper. “I love you more than anything.”

  “And I love you more than anything.” She says, as she slides the ring onto my finger.

  The ring itself is made to resemble branches, with green crystals as the leaves. “I love it.”

  “I’m gd.” She says with a smile. “Now, we should really get you out there before your mom gets upset.”

  “Yeah…” I say sadly. “Walk me out?”

  “When have I ever not?”

  I nod, and take her hand as she guides me out of her room. All three of them are still sitting on the couch out there, although Paige is not in May’s p like usual. I really hope I didn’t mess things up between them.

  Paige waves at me as I walk out, and Aiden gives me a gentle flick of his wrist. May refuses to look at me. I deserve that… Holly holds the door open for me, and we step out onto the porch.

  My mom’s car is idling at the end of the sidewalk, so I decide not to take too long in saying goodbye.

  I look at Holly, and give her a tearful kiss. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” She says, and I can see the sparkle of tears in her eyes as well. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

  I shake my head. “Pns with Caleb. Maybe Friday though? We can go on a real date, if you want.”

  “I’d love that.” Holly says with a smile. “I’ll make May drive us wherever we want to go as payment for how shitty she was today.”

  “Thanks, Holly.” I say. “Although, I’d really prefer not to see her at all on our date.”

  “I’ll figure it out.” She says, and gives me one st kiss.

  I walk to my mom’s car, and slump down into the passenger seat.

  “Are you alright, Kiddo?” My mom asks.

  “Yeah…” I say slowly. “I just miss her already.”

  My mom just stares at me for a moment and clears her throat. “Uh, sweetie, are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I say, and look at her confused. “Why?”

  “No reason.” She says thoughtfully. “Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”

  I panic for a moment, but then shake my head. “No.”

  “Alright, sweetie.” My mom says with a smile. “If you change your mind, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, mom.”

  “So, uh… about Holly. When do you want to see her next?” She asks.

  “Friday,” I say, already thinking about the date. “We’re going to go on a proper date. Dinner or something. We’re still figuring it out.”

  “I’m happy for you.” My mom says as she pulls away. “Do you need me to drive you?”

  “No.” I say quickly, but then think for a moment. Maybe… I still need to figure all this out. “Maybe. I’ll let you know.”

  “Sounds good.” She says. With that, she turns on her pylist and starts singing along to the music.

  We get home retively quickly, or maybe I just spaced out on the drive, and I head straight into my room.

  “What do you want for dinner?” Mom asks.

  “I ate at Holly’s.” I lie. I had food in my p anyways, even if I didn’t get to eat it… I’m just not in the mood tonight.

  With my door shut and locked, I sit down at my computer. I need to talk to people about this. I open up Harmony, and see that the same people from st night are in the Nightfall channel. Not yet… I need time to think.

  I open up ChatterBox, and search for a trans community. I end up finding a couple, and then search in those threads for ‘how do I know if I’m trans’. Many, many different threads pop up, and I start with the first one.

  ‘Hey, I know this has been asked a lot but, I’m thinking I might be trans, but I don’t know how I can know for sure. Any help would be appreciated.’ I read through all the comments, and then open up another thread, and read through all the comments there too.

  After reading for a very long time, I have in my head a clear, yet wholly unhelpful answer. ‘No one can tell you if you’re trans. That’s something only you can know, based on what you want.’ So unhelpful.

  I smile as I read one comment that is surprisingly insightful. ‘If you’re here, you are.’ I actually let out a small giggle as I read it. Well, I’m here… but does that make me a girl? More thoughts attack my brain from every side. I like wearing girl’s clothes. I like makeup. I like being called Emmy.

  There is one thought that sticks out far from the rest. When I was questioned on if I would go back to being a boy, if I was certain that Holly wouldn’t leave, I didn’t immediately say yes. In fact, I never said yes.

  I sigh, and scroll through the pictures that Holly sent me. In every one of these I’m smiling. Is that just because of Holly, or because of how I’m dressed…? I continue scrolling through every single one, until I stop on the picture of the tarot reading Holly did.

  Best potential outcome… change, transformation, and rebirth… I sit there staring at the cards for a very long time, trying to remember the meanings Holly said as she read them. As I continue staring at them, they start to paint the picture of a trans girl just waiting to be freed. I… I’m a girl…

  Without further hesitation, I immediately open Harmony, and see that the same people are still in the Nightfall channel. I click the button to join, and am immediately confronted with Creamy shouting at me.

  “Hey, Emmy!” Creamy says immediately. “You and Holly gaming tonight?”

  “Just me.” I say. “I’m not really gaming, I just have something I need to talk about.”

  “We’re always here.” Volf says lightheartedly. “Can we finish the match, or should we back out.”

  “Go ahead and finish.” I say, and start thinking about how to even approach this with them. “It can wait.”

  The next time Volf dies, he starts streaming his game so I can watch. I don’t focus too intently on it, as I am too busy thinking about what I’m about to reveal, both to them, and to myself. After a devastating loss, they back out of the game and just sit with me.

  “So what’s up?” Creamy says easily. “Are you okay?”

  “It’s been a long day…” I say softly.

  “What happened?” Haley asks. “Did you and Holly break up?”

  “Haley!” Creamy shouts.

  “I was just joking.” She says, sounding for all the world like she was not just joking.

  “Holly and I are fine.” I say, a bit more snippy than I intended. “No, it’s something else.”

  “Well come on.” Nova says. “Don’t keep us waiting.”

  I let out a deep sigh. Now or never. “I think I might be trans.”