CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Best Boy“So, on a scale of one to ten,” said Daria, “how screwed are we?”

  Sam and Jamie looked at each other, shrugged, and replied to Daria via Garden Telecom.

  “Maybe a six?” said Jamie. “I mean, we’re already down two directors. I guess I could hop back into the director seat, of course, but I’d have to be directing from in front of the camera, and yeah, that works if you’re Sylvester Stallone or Jon Favreau, but I’d be doing it without a 1AD, and without a 1AD I’m pretty much flying blind.”

  “Plus,” said Sam, “it re-opens the insurance can of worms if Jamie directs.”

  “Don’t you have a backup pn?”

  “Terryl was the backup pn,” said Sam. “I mean, maybe we could dey production for a month while Terryl heals from his burns? Or maybe you have someone else you can tap?”

  Daria opened up her schedule app and frantically looked for directors with open schedules. She didn’t find any.

  “Everyone’s booked, on this short notice.”

  Jamie started pacing back and forth.

  “Okay, what about this? I direct from in front of the camera, we tell the insurance company it’s just till Terryl gets back on his feet, in the meantime, we find someone to come into the 1AD slot?”

  “I’ll make some phone calls to see if we can find an avaible 1AD,” said Daria, “and get Christopher on the insurance thing. We’re just lucky this happened when we were scheduling a break in the show anyway. How long do we have before we need to film again?”

  “Five days,” said Sam. “Until then the contestants can just pretty much hang out.”

  ***

  Mara was sitting on one of the patio chairs by the pool, watching Leia’s evaluations from the st challenge, while Leia took the time to do some swimming.

  “Wow, uh, yeah,” said Mara. “You really did a good job there. I think the whole ‘am I really trans enough’ thing was an incredible double-bluff.”

  “Not really,” said Leia, “Basically, what I did was I went on some Discords and Reddits that trans people visited to get an idea of how they thought, and I picked up on a few themes. That was one of them. For some reason, a lot of trans women have a hard time believing they’re really trans. Like they’re like: ‘Am I trans, or just nonbinary?’ or ‘Am I trans, or is this a fetish?’, or ‘Am I trans, or is this just the effect of magic mushrooms?’ I don’t know what being trans is like, but I imagine that it’s gotta do a number on your self-confidence.”

  “Really?” said Mara. “Hunh. I didn’t know that. In fact, I always thought of trans women as, you know, a little cocky.”

  “Cocky?”

  “Like Diana.”

  Leia came up to the side of the pool, crossing her arms over the edge to better talk to Mara.

  “Diana is not anything like any trans woman I’ve ever met, not that I’ve met that many. Why would you think trans women would be cocky?”

  “Bossy, maybe? Like, always yelling to like, get special bathroom privileges and stuff?”

  Leia shook her head.

  “Mara, I don’t even know where to begin with you sometimes. C’mon. Bring the ptop over here, show me what you did for your evaluations.”

  Mara scooted the chair over and brought the ptop close enough to the pool for Leia to see, and pyed her own clips for Leia.

  When it was done, Mara knew most of what she needed to know from Leia’s grimace alone. Still, that didn’t stop Leia from pointing out the more ridiculous parts of her testimony.”

  “Litterboxes?”

  “I heard that… that was a thing.”

  “That is not a thing, Mara. That is most certainly not a thing. And no school nurse is giving out estrogen injections. I don’t think you’re even allowed to get estrogen injections until you’re an adult. You can get puberty blockers, in some of the bluest of the blue states, but that’s it. You didn’t have to go super in-depth with the research like I did, you could probably have just done a Goog– I mean, a Garden WWWheelbarrow search for it. Or better still, ask Erin, or Jamie, or Sheri.”

  “Was I allowed to ask the hosts for advice?”

  “There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn’t. See, Mara, I think that might be… do you mind if I’m a little blunt? Give you a little real talk, you know, man to man?”

  The GenderBuzzer fshed a yellow warning light.

  “Woman to woman then?”

  “If you think it’ll help.”

  “I think the big thing with you, Mara, is that you’re not a dumbass.”

  “Thank you?”

  “I mean, I’ve known a lot of dumbasses. You’re actually pretty smart. You can communicate your ideas clearly, it’s just that your ideas, generally, suck.”

  Mara raised an eyebrow.

  “Is there a point to this?”

  “Yes. I think somehow you’ve got a lot of ideas in your head that just aren’t like… good. Like, they’re based on bad assumptions and bad information, and they come out of your mouth and you sound like a crazy asshole, when you’re not a crazy asshole. You’re drawing sound, logical conclusions from batshit premises.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, like the litterbox. Someone gave you bad information that that was a thing, so you logically assumed from that premise that that might be something a trans woman would say happened in her school years.”

  “Okay?” said Mara, wondering where Leia was going with this.

  Leia hopped up on the side of the pool.

  “So, here’s my point. You’ve got a whole bunch of thoughts in your head about how the world works, and what people are like, and how economics works, and everything, ideas that were kind of handed to you, and you didn’t do a good job questioning them because, well, they made sense according to the mental model you had. Everything seemed to fit, right? Or at least fit well enough.”

  Mara nodded, as Leia continued.

  “But now you’re getting out, you’re meeting people, hell, you’re in another country for what I’m imagining is the first time in your life, and not everything fits the model! You know it doesn’t fit, because if it did fit the model, you would have gotten five points, and I would have gotten zero.”

  “I mean, yeah,” said Mara. “But then, if you… if I were to start changing everything about how I thought all the time, how would you actually know what the truth is? What’s the foundation that you build upon? How do you… how do you live like that when reality can… change in an instant and what is settled fact today is nonsense tomorrow?”

  “Who am I, Socrates?” said Leia. “But, for me, I see it this way - we all make the best decisions we can given what we know at the time. And our knowledge is imperfect. But the more perfect we can make our mental models, the better decisions we can make, right?.”

  “Damn,” said Mara, impressed.

  “You know who’d be good to talk to about this stuff?”

  “Sheri?”

  “Yeah, but I was going to suggest Gucci. Like, here’s the thing, you and I, we generally try to make good decisions.”

  “Sure. Who doesn’t?”

  “Gucci. Like - the whole ‘bad decisions make good stories’ bit. And that’s a bit of a mad genius thing. Like, we have common sense. We know there are certain ways that things are done, certain rules that must be followed. But Gucci is breaking those rules, right? In doing so, she tests the boundaries. Maybe those rules were never rules at all. Maybe they were just illusions. Or maybe the consequences for breaking those rules aren’t as severe as we feared.”

  “Like a modern day Diogenes the Cynic,” said Mara.

  “Where did you learn about Diogenes?”

  “Mostly from the ‘behold, a man’ memes,” admitted Mara. “But I get it. Some of the rules… are only rules until they’re broken. Like, don’t wear a dress in public, don’t dance badly to salsa music when you’re wearing a dress in public, that sort of thing.”

  “I mean, dresses aren’t my thing either, Mara, and I think we were both pretty uncomfortable out there in the mall, but like, we didn’t get ostracized from society because of it, and our dongs didn’t fall off.”

  “Ah, well, that’s because we were in Mexico, surrounded by a film crew. It was clear to everyone it was an act of some kind. If I showed up at home with a dress? Forget it. My friends would not just stop hanging out with me, they’d kick my ass.”

  It was Leia’s turn to raise an eyebrow at Mara.

  “Those sound like some really shitty friends.”

  ***

  The next day, Sam, Jamie, Pranav, and Sheri decided to join the contestants for breakfast. They had some bad news to share.

  “So,” said Pranav. “We all know that our director, Terryl, is going to be out of action for at least another month and a half. Maybe longer.”

  Sam addressed the contestants.

  “I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but the production is in a real bind.”

  “Don’t you have a backup?” said Rose. “Can the 1AD take over?”

  “Terryl was the 1AD, who took over for me when the insurance company started to balk at having me direct,” said Jamie.

  “So, that’s simple,” said Jane. “Jamie can just hop back in the director’s chair, no?”

  “It’s not that simple,” said Jamie. “I’m already committed to an on-screen role, so I’d have to direct from in front of the camera.”

  “Like Johnathan Frakes,” said Eine.

  “Surprised you went with that one and not Orson Wells,” continued Jamie, “but yes, like Johnathan Frakes.”

  “Who’s Orson Wells?” asked Eine.

  Rose groaned and facepalmed.

  “For that matter, who’s Johnathan Frakes?” asked Sam.

  “Riker from Star Trek,” said Jamie. “Doesn’t matter. Point is, I can direct from in front of the camera. I might have to. But not only will I be directing, but I won’t have a 1AD to coordinate with. And I’m transitioning. Which is great, but I’m still… getting used to the new endocrine system.”

  “How are you doing with that, by the way?” asked Pranav.

  “Weird-good?” said Jamie. “I caught myself smiling the other day for no particur reason. I don’t think I used to do that.”

  Sheri nodded, impressed. “I’ve done that.”

  “Point is, if the production seems a bit uncoordinated and rough, if things don’t always go right - if we need more retakes and reshoots than normal… that’s why,” said Sam.

  “So, you either need a director,” said Rose, “or a 1AD.”

  “That about sums it up, yes,” said Sam.

  “Look, changing the subject, how is everyone else feeling?” asked Jamie.

  “I got tingly nipples,” said Leia, “but that could also be psychosomatic.”

  “Tingly nipples?” asked Mara. “Like, how tingly?”

  “I don’t know. Tingly. They tingled. Could also be the mosquitos. There really are a lot of mosquitos around here,” said Leia.

  “It’s been three days. I don’t think anyone is going to get mosquito bites yet,” said Diana.

  “No, no,” said Leia. “Literal mosquitos. Quick buggers too.”

  “Have you not been using mosquito spray?” asked Eine.

  “Mosquito spray?” asked Leia.

  “In the skincare kit,” said Victoria. “You have been using the skincare kit, right?”

  “I’ve… used some of the skincare kit. I do the sunblock…”

  Pranav raised an eyebrow. “Sunblock is good. Use the mosquito spray. Trust me, you don’t want to get Zika virus.”

  “And the moisturizer,” said Eine.

  “Moisturizer is important,” said Victoria. “Ooh, Eine, have you tried the exfoliant? Are you supposed to leave that on when you go to bed, or wipe it off?”

  “I think you’re supposed to leave it on,” said Eine. “I do the exfoliant, then the Vitamin C and why is everyone staring at us?”

  Eine and Victoria looked around at the blinking, staring faces.

  “Well,” said Jamie. “At least I learned something new today.”

  Rose leaned back and thought for a minute.

  “Jamie, Sam… how much experience would someone need to come in and prop up the show until Terryl gets back?”

  “Well,” thought Sam. “I mean, even for reality TV you want at least a few years of experience in the industry.”

  “Yeah,” said Jamie. “Directing the pilot was the first time I was officially in the director’s chair, but I was executive producer on a lot of game-show productions after ‘Shark Attack.’”

  Gucci sighed, then stood up from the table.

  “I see what you’re getting at, Rose. And you’re right. Alright. Alright. You’ve twisted my arm enough. I’ll be your huckleberry. Even if it means I have to drop out, I’ll direct.”

  Everyone looked at Gucci.

  “No.” said Jamie.

  “You sure?”

  “No.” said Jamie, more insistently.

  “If you don’t need someone permanently, just for a couple of months to prop up the production while Terryl is recovering, could you train someone in a short period of time?” asked Rose.

  Sam raised her eyebrow.

  “Look, this is a huge long-shot, but… if I really crammed over the next three days… and joined the crew - at least until Terryl gets better…” Rose shrugged.

  “Rose, you’re a kid,” said Sam. “And a contestant. You can’t be a contestant and be on the crew.”

  “I’m pretty sure my best frenemy in Garden’s legal department would have something to say about that,” said Jamie.

  “What if I dropped out?” asked Rose.

  “Hold on one second,” said Jamie. “Sam, can I talk with you privately for a second?”

  Sam nodded, and the two went over to a corner to quietly confab.

  “Are you sure, Rose?” asked Sheri.

  “It’s like you said, Sheri. My parents are never going to get it. Not ever. And I feel like absolute shit right now. I’m suffering for nothing. I’m probably going to have to drop out soon anyway. But… there are reasons I think the show should continue.”

  Rose looked over to Eine quickly with her eyes, and Sheri nodded.

  Leia caught the look, and whispered to Eine. “Damn. Rose has got it bad for you, hasn’t she?” Eine just looked at Leia, puzzled.

  Sam and Jamie returned from their side conversation.

  “Okay, look. To put a multimillion dolr production like this in the hands of someone who, at best, can be considered a student in film,” said Sam, “is completely and utterly insane.”

  “Fakakta, as my grandmother would say,” Jamie added.

  “But… Jamie pointed out two things.” Sam counted them on her fingers. “First, this entire show is a little… what was the word?”

  “Fakakta. Fakakta beyond all recognition.” offered Jamie.

  “Right. And second, we literally don’t have a better pn.”

  “And believe me, we are really looking for a better pn,” said Jamie.

  “So, Rose, hold tight. Don’t drop out, not just yet. Let me get on the phone to corporate in L.A. In the meantime, if you have a reel and a resume, now would be a good time to get it.”

  “Wait, wait,” said Diana. “Is this actually going to happen?”

  “Do you have an objection to it?” asked Mara. “To me, this is perfect. Rose moves from a job she hates - contestant - to a job she’ll love, with career advancement opportunities. It’s the free market in action.”

  “That is…” started Leia, feeling like she should object to that, just on general principle, but couldn’t actually find an actual fw to base her objection on. “...uh, nevermind.”

  “The old ‘enter a feminization contest as a trans man only to turn the tables by becoming the director’ gambit. Cssic strategic maneuver. And quite devious. Well pyed. I appud your chutzpah, sir,” said Gucci.

  The GenderBuzzer went off.

  “Crap. That’s five dolrs I’m not getting back.”

  ***

  It was the longest five minutes of Julia’s life.

  Well no. The longest five minutes of Julia’s life were the five minutes after her husband told her that he was actually a girl and that their entire future was going to be completely, radically different from the future she envisioned. As much as there was love and things turned out alright, it was a lot for her to handle.

  I mean, it all worked out in the end.

  She was also pretty certain that if she wasn’t going to get the thumbs up from the professors, she would at least get a chance to revise.

  Unless she didn’t understand her data.

  But she was sure she understood her data.

  Unless she was under the Dunning-Kruger effect.

  But she was positive that people who are under the Dunning-Kruger effect don’t make it to a dissertation defense.

  No, if she just got rejected, it would be because of something personal. Maybe one of the professors wanted sexual favors or something oh shit Julia why did your mind even go there, they’re not going to do that, why are you even worrying about…

  The doors opened, and Professor Landry, her thesis advisor, opened the door.

  “Congratutions, Dr. Cochran.”

  She nearly shit her pants.

  ***

  After all the papers were signed, and the forms filled out, and all the handshakes and congratutions from academic people, she was finally allowed out of the lecture hall, where Erin was nervously bouncing up and down.

  “Dr. Cochran, I presume?” Erin asked.

  Julia smiled and nodded.

  Erin then held out her arms, and Julia jumped into them. It was a perfect, romantic moment.

  For about a half a second.

  “Wait, fuck, no, fuck!” said Erin, who fumbled backwards and tried to drop Julia as gracefully as possible. She failed, for the most part, and both of them ended up unharmed, but undignified, on the floor.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not as strong as I used to be.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed you were making the ‘I’ll carry you’ gesture.”

  “It was a ‘I want to hug you’ gesture but I came in a little low, I think.”

  Professor Landry had arrived by this point, offering a hand up to both.

  “Eee! I just realized!” said Erin. “I married a doctor!”

  Julia rolled her eyes.

  “C’mon, Mrs. Dr. Cochran, I’m starving, and I need some food before I pass out. Turns out, defending your life’s work? Really gets your metabolism up.”

  ***

  At Upside Down, the little coffee shop near the UCLA campus, students were busy tapping away, doing research papers and coding required projects on their ptops, engaged in a deep and profound ck of conversation.

  That didn’t stop Julia and Erin from enjoying each other’s company, tucking into some nice avocado toast, in the soft little lounge chairs around a coffee table.

  “So what’s next?” asked Erin. “Applying for professorships? Working at Warner Records? Backpacking around Europe for a year?”

  Julia pyfully walked her fingers up Erin’s arm.

  “I was thinking about visiting Mexico. There’s a little resort that opened up, and I know someone who works there who may let me share a room.”

  “Gucci?”

  Julia gave Erin the strangest look.

  “Who’s ‘Gucci’?”

  “Oh, you haven’t met Gucci yet. You are going to love Gucci. She’s a character. Or he is. Who knows. Even I'm enjoying this break from having to remember all the pronouns and names.”

  “How is the production going, actually?”

  “Er… not great,” said Erin. “Our director caught fire.”

  “What?”

  “Our director caught fire. Literally caught on fire. He’s in the hospital now.”

  “Is he going to be okay?”

  “Maybe some scars, but he should make a full recovery in a couple of weeks. Of course, that does leave us in a bit of a pickle. We don’t have a director.”

  “Couldn’t Jamie direct?”

  “Directing, without an assistant, and in front of the camera? It’s theoretically possible but it’s really operating at a disadvantage. And we’re so far into production, I don’t know where we’re going to get either a repcement director or repcement assistant director.”

  ***

  Christopher Roen didn’t really pay much attention to fashion. He tended to wear simple gray suits with dark ties and white dress shirts. Simple, polished leather loafers with bck socks. Even his cuff-links were silver. Gold would be too ostentatious.

  But right now, sitting in a meeting room with Daria and Chandra, on a video conference call with Sam and Jamie, he was wearing his favorite scowl.

  “Let me get this straight. Our first choice for director had a public mental breakdown. Our second choice has burst into fme.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say ‘burst’” said Jamie. “But yes, Terryl caught on fire.”

  “And your third choice for director is a film student, who is only avaible because they’re a contestant on the very show that you will now suggest they direct.”

  “No, that’d be silly,” said Jamie.

  “Jamie would do the actual directing,” crified Sam. “It’s just that Rafael would be assisting, to make it easier for Jamie to direct from behind the camera.”

  “This can’t be the pn,” said Daria. “Sam, you’re professionals. Please tell me that this isn’t the pn.”

  “Well,” said Sam, sheepishly, “it wasn’t my pn. If you’ll recall, it was Garden Alpha that balked at having Jamie direct, which was our pn A. So we went with Terryl, our pn B.”

  “And we didn’t have a pn C?” asked Chandra.

  “What, in case we go through directors like Spinal Tap goes through drummers? No. We didn’t foresee the eventuality that I would suddenly realize I was a woman in front of the tabloid press and that our 1AD would decide to fmbé himself cooking breakfast. That was a pary at very long odds!”

  Roen took a deep breath.

  “Can we find anyone else more qualified at short notice?”

  “Not on our end,” said Sam. “Unless… Daria?”

  “No,” replied Daria. “Everyone’s either booked, or turned us down. We even asked Dustin Ferguson.”

  “Who?” asked Chandra.

  “The ‘brilliant’ mind behind such mockbusters as ‘Cocaine Cougar,’ ‘RoboWoman’, and ‘Silent Night, Bloody Night 2.’”

  “The one with the ‘Garbage Day’ meme?” asked Chandra.

  “No. That would be ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2,’ which was the more popur, more mainstream movie Ferguson ripped off.”

  There was a long pause after that.

  “Well, I don’t know about you,” said Jamie. “But I’m starting to feel better about Rafael already.”

  “So am I,” said Daria.

  Chandra, Sam, and Roen looked at her.

  “All those movies are avaible on Garden Alpha. I’ve watched all of them. They’re terrible.”

  Chandra headed over to Daria.

  “Daria, honey, why would you do that to yourself?”

  “I get bored and lonely at night.”

  “Oh, Daria,” said Chandra. “We have got to get you a girlfriend.”

  Both Jamie and Sam immediately found various different aspects of their rooms utterly fascinating, as they looked around it, anywhere but in the direction of the webcam or screen.

  “There’s some context that I’m missing here,” said Roen. “But I’m not sure I want to know what it is.”

  ***

  “Vic, what are you doing out here?” asked Jane.

  Victoria was a little startled by Jane’s voice, as she wasn’t expecting anyone to come by.

  “Oh, you know. Just… thinking.”

  “Thinking?”

  “About stuff.”

  “Stuff?”

  “And things.”

  “Things?”

  “Are you just going to repeat the st word I say in the form of a question?”

  “Question?”

  Jane smirked.

  “No, I honestly saw you out here and wondered if you’d like to come in. Mara ordered a board game online, and we were wondering if you’d be interested in pying.”

  “Ah. I’m… thank you, but–”

  “But you’d rather be alone out here, brooding?”

  Victoria looked away.

  “I’m not brooding. I’m… just enjoying some quiet time. Alone.”

  “And what were you thinking about before I came in?”

  “My friend, Jack. About how much I miss him. How I kind of wish he were here now.”

  “Will you accept some kindly unsolicited advice?”

  Vic sighed. “Advise away.”

  “Jack’s not here. But I’m here. Leia’s here, Rose is here, Eine’s here, hell, there are a lot of people who are here that I’m sure you’d love to get to know if you didn’t keep yourself at such a distance.”

  “I don’t–”

  “Vic. I’m not, like, Sheri’s level of people-brained, but I know enough to know when someone’s pushing people away. I think you want the connection to other people, but you don’t want to get hurt again. Some sort of abandonment fear, or something. So you py up the drama, you keep people at a distance.”

  Vic thought about that, and sighed.

  “Maybe that’s for the best.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “Because I… Look. I really want to win this thing. We’re competitors.”

  “You really want to win this thing?”

  “I do.”

  “Are you a trans woman? Like Jamie?”

  “No. I don’t think so. I’ve never felt, you know, wrong in my body. But I don’t think I’d particurly mind being a woman - or at least having a woman’s body - at all. And if it makes me famous for going through with it? All the better.”

  “Well, congratutions then. Unless another one of the contestants is secretly an unaware or closeted trans woman, you’re well on your way to winning the whole thing.”

  “You’re not upset?”

  “Why would I be?”

  “Because… you’re in this competition too.”

  “I am, but I’m not here to win, I’m here to py, you know? Love the run, not the race.”

  Victoria smiled sadly.

  “You would have loved Jack. He used to say stuff like that too.”

  “Sounds like a good guy.”

  “He was. But he’s gone.”

  “But you remember him, right?”

  “Hard to forget, really. He was kinda like Gucci, now that I think about it. Maybe not quite as out there, but creative. Fun. Dyed his hair blue just for the hell of it.”

  “I think it might be a universal truth that everyone, everywhere, eventually, meets someone like Gucci,” said Jane. “How you react to them when you do tells you a lot about yourself as a person. But how would Jack react if he saw you here, now?”

  “Well, he probably would have a lot of questions about why I’m wearing a dress and joining the queue for breast impnts.”

  “Not what I mean. Look, you’ve got a whole bunch of friends in there, if you want them. But you’re making yourself a loner out here. And you don’t have to be alone. You can still work towards being a super-star famous celebrity, and have friends, you know that, right? Friends who will help you through whatever it is you’re going through. Because I used to think you were a jerk, Vic. You’re not a jerk. You’re just hurt and in pain, and you are not going to heal unless you stop poking at the wound.”

  Jane offered a hand to Victoria. “Now c’mon. I want to get this game underway before Jamie comes around.”

  Vic sighed and took it, letting Jane help her up.

  “So what are we pying, anyway?”

  ***

  At a rge main table, Mara was reading out a question to Eine. “Which of these Australian actors received the most Oscar nominations? A) Geoffrey Rush. B) Nicole Kidman, C) Mel Gibson, D) Cate Bnchett.”

  “Ooh,” interjected Leia. “Remember the game was published in 2012. It could have changed since then.”

  Mara flipped over the hourgss, as Eine thought.

  “Right. I mean, this is going to be a pure guess. I’m going to go with… Geoffrey Rush.”

  Mara flipped over the card.

  “It was Cate Bnchett with five. Geoffrey Rush had four, Nicole Kidman had three, and Mel Gibson had two. So that’s the second-best answer, for two money dice, and one shark die. Go ahead and roll.”

  Eine crossed her fingers. “No shark… no shark!”

  She tossed the dice, which bounced inside the open box top, and it came up: 250, 500, and… no shark.

  “Yes!”

  Eine added 750 to her total.

  “Who’s next?”

  Jamie walked into the room, and did a double take.

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes, Jamie,” said Mara.

  “That can’t be what I think it is.”

  Mara took the cardboard box top and held it up for Jamie to see. “Why? This guy look familiar to you?”

  Jamie stared at the face of ‘Jimmy Howard, host of Shark Attack’, pstered on a cardboard box.

  “You found a copy of ‘Shark Attack: The Home Game?’ Where?”

  “Ebay. Sorry. I meant to say, ‘an online auction site that isn’t affiliated with the much superior Garden Market.’”

  Victoria and Jane walked back into the room.

  “Hey,” Jane said. “Room for two new pyers?”

  “We’ve got room for three, actually,” said Mara, looking in Jamie’s direction.

  “As much as I’d love to,” said Jamie, “I’m sure that Sam needs me to go over some pnning for next week’s–”

  Sam walked in at that moment, sighing. “Hey Jamie, hey team.”

  Everyone waved back.

  “I hope you don’t mind, Jamie,” said Sam. “But I’m just going to turn in early. I’m going to have to sleep on what we discussed tonight. Ooh, looks like you’re pying Shark Attack! Have fun!”

  Sam walked away.

  Jamie looked towards the heavens, wondering what exactly she did to offend the gods.

  “Alright. I guess I’ll py. Whose turn is it?”

  Jamie pulled up a chair.

  “Eine’s to read. I guess it’s Vic’s to py - Vic, are you in?”

  “Yeah, I’m in. Go ahead. Hit me.”

  “Not without a safeword,” said Eine. Then, with horror, she realized she said that out loud, instead of just thinking it.

  “Sorry. Sometimes my brain skips a groove. Maybe it’s the estrogen. Right. Moving on. Victoria… Which of these video games was released first: A) Donkey Kong. B) Pac Man, C) Space Invaders, D) Tetris.”

  “Gotta be Tetris, right? D. Tetris.”

  Eine flipped over the card and frowned.

  “Space Invaders, then Pac Man, then Donkey Kong… then Tetris in 1984.”

  “Eesh. Hand me three shark dice.”

  Something in Jamie’s muscle memory kicked in, and the Game Show Voice came out.

  “Well the good news is that you don’t have money at risk yet, but you still have to dodge those sharks. Remember, four sharks and you’re out of the game - it’s tough, but it can be done… lets brave those shark infested waters… Here… We… Go!”

  The table burst into ughter.

  ***

  Jamie and Sam were sitting behind the camera, as Rafael, dressed in his best binder, suit, and tie, recorded his st confessional.

  He asked Sheri to be there for moral support, and wanted Eine there as a friend. And then, the film started rolling.

  RAFAEL: “I’m dropping out of the competition. My name - my true name, is Rafael Espinar. It’s not the name I was born with, but it’s mine. It’s the one I choose, it’s the one I need.” “I entered this competition primarily to show people that being a woman isn’t about what you’re born with. It’s something different. And I can’t be a woman. I’ve tried for most of my life, and it hurt, and it was making me sick and sad and horrible. And I tried again in this contest, and even when I was being paid to do it, it made me sick, sad, and horrible all over again.”“I thought maybe… maybe if I could show people how horrible it was for me to try to be a woman… and I am hating every moment of this, then maybe my parents - who I live with - would finally understand how it is a dagger to the heart every time they call me ‘Renata’. How much it stung every time people here called me ‘Rose’. I’m a man, Dad. And when I say I’m gay, I mean I like men, Mom. And I don’t know why I thought you would finally get that if it came from a soulless ft rectangle in your living room, instead of when I’m looking in your eyes, face to face.”“Doing this show wasn’t worth it. Not for all the money in the world. And I would absolutely regret it, except for one thing. I’ve been offered a job by the production company here on account of my expertise in film production, and I can’t be a contestant on a reality show where I’m a member of the crew. So I’ve decided to forfeit any winnings I would have won, and I’ll stay here at the Casa, though behind the camera, instead of in front of it.”

  “I think that’s it. What do we do now, get the departure shot at the front gates?” Sam asked Jamie.

  “Actually, I had an idea for that,” said Rafael.

  ***

  They filmed Rafael packing up his things, taking his little rolling carry on out the front door of Casa Del Garden… but instead of walking off into the sunset, Rafael took an unexpected left turn, walked around the building, and walked in the back door of the Casa, heading into the monitors, wires, and buzzing switches of Video Vilge.

  ***

  Standings: ContestantStatusWinningsPenaltiesCash-outTotalPyers Remaining: 7Diana (Jett)Active100-5 95Prize Pot: 88,160Eine (Ethan)Active10500 1050Cash-Out: 6,297Jane (Jacob)Active4000 400 Judi "Gucci" (Jude "Gooch")Active1000-5 995Zolodex Treatments: 2Leia (Leonard)Active10500 1050Estrogen Doses: 1Mara (Oscar)Active250-5 245 Victoria (Victor)Active650-105 545  RafaelDisqualified*:Month 2000 0 BradleyCashed Out: Month 1100-203,4213,501  * Rafael voluntarily disqualified to join the crew. Since crewmembers cannot be contestants according to California Law, Rafael forfeited any prize money. (Don't worry, he'll get a paycheck!)

  AnnouncementForgive me if I forget everyone who helped out, but thanks again to Rachel, Bree, FiniteInfinity, SwordArcanum, and Zyllycat for help with writing this chapter.