Astonishing words shock the heart

  The cool breeze in September, thickened the fragrance of osmanthus, reddened the frost on the maple leaves, and also dispersed some of my intense sorrow. My body has gradually recovered a bit. Sometimes when I'm idle, I think maybe I should go see Xuan Ling too. After all, he lost his child, and his heart is not happy either. Moreover, the one who is currently favored is ultimately my sister.

  Then she sent Liu Zhu to find out if Xuan Ling was in the Yuanyuan Temple, but Liu Zhu came back and said: "Li Gonggong said that His Majesty is reading memorials in the Imperial Study. The slave has already asked the small kitchen to prepare some snacks, and Miss can go and offer some food to His Majesty as before."

  For some reason, just as Liu Zhu was about to answer me, I suddenly felt a little nervous in my heart, and I couldn't help but hope that Liu Zhu would say that Xuan Ling couldn't see me. It seemed like I had a feeling of homesickness, and I didn't want to see him after all. Now that I've heard Liu Zhu say it himself, I feel relieved instead. Thinking about it, if we were to meet and it was awkward, or if I smelled something or saw something belonging to another woman in his palace... how would I be able to bear the emotions? If it's really like that, then maybe it's better not to see him after all.

  "So let's prepare some refreshments and have Jingqing deliver them to Mei Zhuang's young master."

  "Miss, aren't you going to pay your respects to the Emperor?"

  "I said calmly: 'Your Majesty is busy with state affairs, how can I disturb you.'"

  "But in the past... Miss could enter and exit the imperial study at will..."

  Her heart slightly chilled, she cut off his words and asked: "Is it still like before?"

  Liu Zhu was taken aback, her expression also darkening along with mine, and she too fell silent.

  As I looked up, I saw the autumn light outside was fine, so I took my cane and went for a walk to clear my mind. In the early autumn of Shanglin Garden, the Taiye Pool often had a thin layer of mist that lingered and wouldn't disperse. After the frost, the maple leaves were a deep red, like blood, with only a hint of green remaining. The flowers in Shanglin Garden had all wilted, as if to dispel the chill and desolation of autumn. But amidst the withered flowers, chrysanthemums were blooming vigorously - golden, yellow, white, and pink varieties, including 'One Ball of Snow', 'Rouge Fragrance', 'Brocade Weeping Willow', 'West Chamber Pink', and 'Jade Pavilion Spring'. They were all renowned for their beauty, and in full bloom, they had a splendor that was unlike the beauty of spring, yet even more beautiful than spring.

  I smiled slightly, the chrysanthemums cultivated in the palace, no matter how precious and gorgeous they were, had lost the elegance and pride of Tao Yuanming's planted chrysanthemums. The beauty of chrysanthemums lies not in their color but in their spirit. So-called good chrysanthemums, white ones are the best, next to them, red and purple ones have lost their elegance.

  Walking along the Taiye Pool, I couldn't help but gaze at the beautiful autumn colors, and gradually walked further away. The surrounding grass and trees were sparse, very quiet, and there were also unknown autumn insects chirping, making people feel the autumn atmosphere thickening. All that could be seen was a solitary palace, far from the Taiye Pool where the favored concubines lived, but with its red walls and golden ridges, as well as the sparse treetops casting shadows, it was quite grand and not a place where ordinary consorts could reside. I couldn't help but feel curious, and asked Xun Yu: "What is this place?"

  "That is the Fragrant Pavilion where Consort Duan resides."

  I nodded silently. Although I had some private dealings with Consort Duan, I had never set foot in her palace to pay my respects, partly to avoid suspicion and also because she didn't like it.

  When I was pregnant, she was very enthusiastic and even made two pairs of small shoes for my unborn child despite her poor health. I was deeply grateful for her kindness, but Empress Dowager did not like me to visit her. Before I gave birth prematurely, she fell ill again, and it was said that her illness was severe, yet she still managed to instruct me to take good care of myself while she was bedridden. Later on, when I encountered all sorts of difficulties, I couldn't even attend to her anymore.

  Now that things have come to this, and she's also ill, it's only natural that I shouldn't enter without being invited. So I told Yulan: "You go knock on the door." Although it was noon, the palace gates were tightly shut, with a somewhat disheveled appearance. After knocking at the copper lock for a long time, I finally heard a creaking sound as the gate heavily opened. The one who came out was Jixiang, and upon seeing me, she also looked slightly surprised, saying: "Your Highness is well."

  I had some doubts in my heart. Jixiang and Ruyi were the personal palace maids of Princess Duan, very dignified and always by her side, how could it be them opening the door? So I asked: "Where is your princess?"

  The lucky circle of eyes turned red and said with tears: "It's good that the mother has come."

  I was startled in my heart, and hastily followed Jixiang to the innermost hall. The hall was spacious, but it was cold and empty, without a single servant in sight. I couldn't help asking: "Where did everyone go?"

  Ji Xiang replied evasively: "Since Her Majesty fell ill a few years ago, the Empress had the several young masters who lived with her moved out to let her rest and recover. So there's no one there."

  I stared at her: "Then the palace maids who waited on you, did they also move out together?"

  She hesitated slightly: "The empress has sent them away. And Ruyi is also outside the palace decocting medicine."

  I didn't dare to ask again, so I stepped into the palace. There was a strong and bitter smell of medicine in the palace that hadn't dissipated yet. The walls outside were covered with ivy, blocking out a lot of sunlight, making the light even more dim and gloomy, which made the palace seem even more quiet and deserted. Princess Duan was sleeping on the bed, seemingly very sound asleep. An older palace maid was simmering medicine on the small silver hook of the wind stove outside, it was Ruyi. Ruyi suddenly saw me, both startled and delighted, calling out: "Your Highness."

  I saw Consort Duan sleeping soundly, her face as pale as paper. I asked, "What did the imperial physician say about Her Highness's condition?" Ruyi choked back tears and replied, "It has always been Imperial Physician Pang who attended to her. He just said it was an old illness and that she should continue taking the same few medicines as before."

  I let out a sigh and angrily said, "What a mediocre doctor, the illness isn't getting any better but you still want to take the same old medicine?" Ping calmly replied, "Looking at this situation, it's not going to work. Yi Xi is brewing the medicine, Ji Xiang go to Taiyi Hospital to invite Dr. Wen to come and take a look, how can we proceed without a diagnosis? Since Princess Duan sent her own palace staff away, there's no one to attend to her needs, that won't do either." I said to Qi Suo, "You go select some reliable people from our palace to come here and serve." Ji Xiang and Yi Xi heard me finish speaking and were already beaming with joy. I then sent them off to take care of it and stayed by Princess Duan's side to keep her company.

  I picked a few more chrysanthemum flowers and put them in the vase, and the hall immediately had some vitality. After a while, Princess Duan woke up with a start, saw me beside her bed, and said, "You're here."

  I placed a soft pillow under her neck and said: "I happened to pass by your residence, and heard that you are not feeling well."

  She smiled wryly: "Old habit, every autumn and winter it breaks out. It's nothing."

  I said: "The disease is getting better with shallow Chinese medicine, and you should take good care of yourself."

  She slightly opened her eyes: "Long time no see, you've also become so thin. Is your body better?"

  I was startled when I heard her say this, but then I thought that there were no attendants in the palace who could have informed her, and soon understood, saying: "Your Majesty has keen ears and sharp eyes, and knows everything that goes on in the palace without leaving your door."

  She smiled faintly: "What can be known is only the surface of things, such as changes in people's hearts. Can they be understood by prying? These trivial skills are nothing."

  When she heard the two words "heartbreak", she was moved in her heart and remained silent. Princess Duan, who was ill, spoke with some difficulty, saying slowly: "The child is mine, even if it hasn't been born yet, it's still a precious treasure that I love dearly. You've lost your child so suddenly, of course you're even more heartbroken." When Princess Duan said these words, she seemed to be filled with sadness. And her words emphasized the two words "suddenly".

  I naturally understood her meaning, but the matter of "Huan Yixiang" was a serious one. How could I mention it? So I just said: "When I was young, I took some bad medicine and hurt my body, who knows what will happen."

  Duan Fei nodded: "That's okay." She took a deep breath, "I'm afraid what will make you even more heartbroken is the Emperor's treatment of Murong Shilan."

  I recalled this matter, and instantly my old grievances resurfaced, leaving me both sorrowful and indignant. I turned away, coldly silent. Consort Duan also sneered repeatedly: "I think she's going to learn from the previous empress how to deal with Noble Consort Xian! Her life is indeed not ordinary. I originally thought that Your Majesty would, because of you killing her, at least demote her position and send her to the Cold Palace."

  I heard about the virtuous imperial concubine twice, and I couldn't help but ask: "Did the previous virtuous imperial concubine also give birth after kneeling for a long time?"

  The Empress Dowager nodded slightly and said, "When the late Emperor's wife was still alive, Xianfei often showed disrespect. One day, for some reason, she offended the late Emperor's wife, who was pregnant at the time and couldn't help but be a bit irritable. She ordered Xianfei to kneel outside the Weiyang Palace. Who would have thought that after kneeling for two hours, Xianfei started bleeding? It was only then that they realized Xianfei had been pregnant for almost two months. Unfortunately, Xianfei herself didn't know she was pregnant when she knelt down. The late Emperor's wife was a woman of great virtue, and there were few in the palace who disobeyed her. She felt remorseful about this incident for a long time." She continued, "It's not surprising that the late Emperor's wife didn't know. How could others have known when Xianfei herself was unaware? A two-month-old fetus is unstable to begin with; how could it withstand kneeling for two hours?" The Empress Dowager recalled the past with a hint of sighs and regret.

  "For a moment, Duan Fei's tone was calm: 'However, in my opinion, Murong Shilan is not so stupid as to let you have an accident when she is in charge of the harem. With her arrogant personality, it's just that she wants to suppress you and establish her authority.' She hummed softly: 'I'm afraid that knowing you had a miscarriage, she is more frightened than anyone else. It seems that this time, things have backfired.'"

  I suppressed the cold anger and slowly said, "Whether it's a clever trick or intentional, my revenge for my son's death can't be avenged for now."

  After chatting for a while, I saw Ruyi leading Wen Xiu into the room. We exchanged a glance, and then I stood up to take my leave. Consort Shu had already been tired from our conversation and merely nodded slightly before closing her eyes again to rest.

  She slowly walked to the outside of Piao Xiang Palace, found a stone chair and sat down, savoring for a long time what Duan Fei had said. My sudden miscarriage was always thought to be under the effect of Huan Yi Xiang, which caused me to kneel for half an hour before having a miscarriage. This medicine is reused with musk, it must have some harm to my body. But I was in Murong Shi Lan's palace for only three or four hours, how could the power of the medicine be so great?

  Thinking back, in the few days before I went to her palace, I already had mild symptoms of discomfort. Where did this come from? Was it really because of my various worries about her that led to mental and physical exhaustion? But I used silver utensils for eating and drinking, so it's naturally impossible for there to be a mistake in my diet. Then where did my discomfort come from?

  But soon after Wen Shi Chu came out, I didn't exchange pleasantries with him and directly asked: "What is the reason for Duan Fei's serious illness?"

  He didn't answer, but asked: "Has Your Ladyship ever heard of the medicine called Red Flower?"

  "My heart skipped a beat and I blurted out: 'Isn't that an abortion drug?'"

  "He nodded and said, 'Yes. Red flower can activate blood circulation and remove stasis. It is used for menstrual closure, painful menstruation, lochia not flowing, abdominal mass and injury from falls. Pregnant women taking it will indeed have a miscarriage.' He raised his head, and his eyes shone with a hint of sadness, 'But if one is neither pregnant nor ill but suddenly takes large amounts of this substance, it will damage the muscles and blood vessels, and even affect fertility.'"

  I was taken aback, and my eyes widened in unspoken astonishment. After a while, I asked: "Can the illness of Princess Duan be cured now that it's in your hands?"

  He lowered his head, looking at the tip of his shoes, and said: "I'm afraid not, I can only guarantee that Princess Duan will survive." He paused for a moment, then continued: "Even if there were national masters here, Princess Duan would still be unable to make any further progress."

  No wonder she loves children so much! Wen Shi, who had just received my entrustment, would certainly do his best to rescue Duan Fei, and he said such words, it can be seen that Duan Fei's body was deeply damaged, and it was beyond his power.

  I don't know the various reasons for Consort Duan's physical harm. I, grateful for her repeated reminders to me, can only do this: "The palace only hopes that you can let her live and not suffer too much from illness."

  He nodded, "Your humble servant will do his utmost."

  I recalled my own doubts and asked, "The year I avoided favor, the medicine you gave me to take, will it harm my body?" After a slight hesitation, I directly asked, "Will it make my body weak and prone to miscarriage?"

  He was somewhat shocked, and after careful consideration for half a day, he said: "I was very cautious with the dosage of the medicine at that time, and Your Majesty did not have any abnormalities or discomfort after taking it. As for the miscarriage, it is unlikely. However... individual physical conditions are different, so it's hard to say."

  My heart is desolate. Whatever the case, this child is already gone, what's the use of entangling myself in past events? His father has also long forgotten that he ever lived in my body.

  Wen Shi Chu's eyes stared deeply at me, I felt a bit uneasy, so I didn't want to talk to him anymore and walked away.

  The sun had not yet returned, and returning to the palace was also a hundred times more boring. Walking around at will could also reduce some worries. Wandering among the flowers and leaning against the rocks, entering the small stream in the artificial hills, listening to the oriole's chirping, the brook's gurgling, after making several turns, from behind the Taihu stone screen, only then did she realize that she had already arrived at a strip of forest behind the Yiyuan Hall.

  Xuan Ling had always been in the Yuanyuan Temple's imperial study reviewing memorials and considering state affairs. However, looking at the mountainous piles of memorials and the dull, rigid meetings made his head ache, and he increasingly yearned for the simple, clear air and birdsong. So he built a forest behind the Yuanyuan Temple, which had been there for over ten years now. The trees grew very luxuriantly, and when the wind blew, they would make a sound like waves. The birds raised in the forest had melodious, gentle songs.

  I once accompanied him to review the memorials, sometimes when both of us were in a good mood, he would take a stroll with me through the woods, hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder, whispering softly and speaking warmly. The attendants and palace maids wouldn't come to disturb us, such a quiet and beautiful time. As if in this world, there had only been him and me, not monarch and subject, nor husband and concubine.

  How long has it been since I last set foot in the Yuanyuan Palace? He also rarely comes to my Tongli Palace. When was the last time we met?

  It was probably that evening - no, it seemed to be dawn, I was still in good spirits, and when I looked in the mirror, I found myself dispirited and thin due to heartbreak.

  He came in from outside, sat down to drink tea, and casually looked at my reflection in the mirror. He got up and repeatedly stroked my cheek, saying: "The scar on your cheek is no longer visible. Fortunately, it wasn't seriously injured." I was originally heartbroken about my own haggardness, and also thought of the reason for this haggardness, feeling distressed at heart. Then I heard him say: "If there really were any marks left, what would be good? It's truly a minor flaw in an otherwise perfect piece of jade."

  She couldn't help but feel annoyed, and turned her head to smile: "Your Majesty truly loves the beauty of his concubines."

  Xuan Ling Xiao: "Can Yan Yan's beauty be wasted?"

  I sneered inwardly, so he was concerned about my appearance. With a "slap", I shook off his hand and walked away on my own, turning to face the wall and falling asleep, no longer paying attention to him.

  He didn't come to coax me as usual, but seemed to be holding back his anger, and only said: "Guifei, your temper is too stubborn. I won't bother you since you've recently lost a child, just calm down by yourself." After saying that, he turned and left, never to enter my chambers again.

  Afterwards I asked Gong Xi, "Does the Emperor love me for my appearance only?"

  "Your Highness's beauty is so stunning that it makes one forget the world. Surely, no one can ignore you."

  On the side, Huāng Bì smiled bitterly: "It turns out that a woman's appearance is indeed more likable to men than her temperament. It can be seen that all men love beauty."

  I shook my head: "Actually, it's not entirely true. Appearance is external, while temperament is internal, and naturally, appearance is more visible and easier to see. Without appearance, I'm afraid there are very few men who would be willing to understand your temperament. However, without temperament, how can one coexist with others for a long time in happiness? Indeed, many men in the world love beauty. But Zhuge Liang and his ugly wife Huang Shi were a perfect match, showing that there are also extraordinary men in this world."

  "But how many Zhuge Liangs are there in this world?"

  This time it's my turn to smile wryly. Indeed, in this world, there are many men who value appearance over all else. And for women, how long can they rely on their looks to get by? I had always thought that he had some feelings for me, and also appreciated me. But when he occasionally came, what he paid attention to was my face, whether it still looked good or not.

  Thinking so, there is a sense of desolation in my heart. Moreover, with such old scenery, those joyful memories are still vivid before my eyes. So I don't want to stay any longer and turn around to leave.

  Just as I was about to leave, I suddenly heard someone talking, and my heart skipped a beat. Subconsciously, I hid behind a tree. The people walking in front of me were none other than Xuan Ling and Ling Rong. Although Ling Rong kept a distance of one step from him, they were chatting and laughing together, extremely intimate. This scene was just like the one I had experienced before; the only difference was that I had walked side by side with Xuan Ling back then.

  Her demeanor is always so humble, and it's this humility that evokes even more affection from others.

  At this moment, Ling Rong was wearing a crimson fine silk jacket with scattered gold thread and peach blossom patterns on the pipa-shaped collar, under which was a silver-white satin skirt with flashing pearls. On her head, she wore a long, flowing golden hairpin with pendant tassels, adding to her delicate beauty. With a gentle smile, she said: "It's been many days since Your Majesty last visited Sister Zhen; will you be going there tonight?"

  Xuan Ling's expression was somewhat hesitant, and he sighed: "It's not that I don't want to go see her. She lost the child and I'm heartbroken too, but her temperament is really too stubborn. A woman with such a stubborn temper will ultimately come to no good." He smiled slightly: "If only she had half of your gentleness, it would be better."

  These words fell into my ears, and I was almost stunned. My eyes seemed to have been heavily stabbed by something, and the acid was unbearable. The straight tree trunks in front of me were also twisted. He actually disliked my strong personality and couldn't be gentle and soft. It was already difficult for me to hear his dissatisfaction with me in such a blunt way. Moreover, he made these criticisms in front of his favorite concubine.

  Ling Rong thought for a moment and said in a low voice, "If sister has any shortcomings that displease Your Majesty, please sympathize with her grief of losing her child. Sister is actually very hardworking too."

  Xuan Ling was somewhat dissatisfied: "She is hardworking, I am also hardworking. Why doesn't she think of me? I have lost two sons, and the palace's right and wrong are so many, it's even difficult to see her smile. Is it because I spoiled her in the past?"

  I laughed silently, and my pain of losing a child became his fault for spoiling me.

  The empress looked frightened and hastily said: "Your servant didn't mean it that way."

  Xuan Ling Xi said, "Actually, Xuan Xuan looks very good when she smiles." However, upon hearing her self-blame, he comforted her, "It's not your fault. Actually, I also miss her, let's go see her when we have time." After thinking for a moment, he added, "You and Xuan Xuan are like sisters, you know her temperament too. Now that she's heartbroken, I'm actually in a difficult position, and I don't dare to see her either."

  "Indeed. Your sister's family background is good, her talent is also good, I have always admired your sister and hope that the emperor still likes her as before. However, I think that your sister has not yet understood, so she is always sad and cannot serve the emperor well. In the future, if your sister comes to understand, she will naturally be able to turn things around. Why don't you, for now, not go see your sister, lest there be some unpleasant words spoken? Wait until I have gone to advise her and she has come to understand, then it will be a happy reunion, won't it?" She said this carefully observing the emperor's expression: "This is just my humble opinion, please don't dislike me for speaking too much."

  Xuan Ling Dao said: "You are so considerate of my and Guigui's feelings, how can I say anything bad about it?"

  Her eyebrows slightly lowered, with a hint of sadness, she said: "Your Majesty is overpraising me. I just like it when Your Majesty is always happy and joyful. In fact, I am unworthy and incompetent, not as good as my sister who can always share your worries and difficulties."

  Xuan Ling Dao said: "Rong Er, why must you belittle yourself like this? You and Guan Gui Fei are like spring flowers and autumn moons, each with their own unique charm."

  Ling Rong's face finally lit up, her smile was light and gentle: "So, Your Majesty likes me a bit more, or likes my sister a bit more?"

  Xuan Ling hesitated for a moment, and with a faint smile said: "At this time, naturally I like you more, Rong'er."

  My throat tightened, as if I couldn't breathe. Such words turned my heart-wrenching sorrow into a pain and despair that made me want to cry but had no tears. It was as if someone's hands were tightly grasping my heart, kneading it, and twisting it. The wind blew hot and cold, making my face feel like ants crawling on it. I just felt that all the care and affection from before were not worth it! Not worth it! But I stood there, frozen, unable to take a step back to escape.

  Xuan Ling was about to say something, but suddenly coughed two or three times. Ling Rong hurriedly went to pat his chest and said with concern: "Your Majesty has been working hard on state affairs, I have personally picked the loquat leaves and had someone cook them with rock sugar, Your Majesty can drink it later to stop the cough and phlegm, and it doesn't taste bitter either."

  Xuan Ling smiled and said: "It's hard for you to personally do these things, but on the other hand, if it weren't for your sake, I wouldn't have coughed."

  Ling Rong looked surprised and also slightly wronged: "Yes, it was this servant's fault. Please tell this servant where the mistake lies."

  Xuan Linglu smiled slightly, pinched her earlobe and said: "I just asked you a question 'lost or not' last night, but you struggled to say the truth. If it wasn't for this, how would I have caught a cold?"

  Ling Rong's face turned bright red, as if she was about to bleed, and she quickly glanced around, seeing no one before softly scolding: "Your Majesty, don't be rude." This shyness was so captivating that Xuan Linglang burst out laughing, startling the birds in the forest and my heart. I only felt a numbness... After a long time, Xuan Ling and Ling Rong had already gone far away. The sunset glowed softly from the treetops, red like blood splattered on a painting, filling half the sky, with only silence and desolation around. Occasionally, birds would fly up, but soon they would cry out strangely and fly far away with a "whoosh".

  I walked numbly, my eyes already dry and tearless, my heart aching with every step. My hands and feet were cold and trembling, and I didn't know where I was going. If I went back to the palace like this, Flowing Vermilion and the others would naturally be worried about me. But if I didn't go back, the vast and deep palace was so big, where else could I go to take refuge?

  My feet felt empty and weak, as if I was treading on a thick pile of cotton, and it wasn't until after a while that I stepped onto the smooth, hard bluestone pavement of Yong Lane. Just then, I ran into Xi Shi, who looked like she had been scalded by hot water, her face red with anxiety. When she saw me, she let out a sigh of relief and hastily wrapped the embroidered cloak in her hand around my shoulders, saying: "It's all this servant's fault for dawdling on the way. I've kept Your Ladyship waiting." Seeing that I looked like I had lost my soul, her hands trembling with cold as they touched mine, she grew even more anxious and frightened: "What's wrong, Your Ladyship? Where did you just go? You've got this servant worried sick!"

  I wiped away the dry tear stains from the corners of my eyes and forced myself to say, "It's nothing, just the wind getting in my eyes."

  "Where else would you dare to linger, I'm worried that Your Ladyship might have caught a chill from the cold wind, let me attend to you and escort you back to rest."

  Returning to the palace, both Fen Bi and Liu Zhu were startled by my appearance, but they didn't dare ask more questions. I also didn't allow them to call for a doctor, so I sent them away one by one. As night fell, the candles in the hall hadn't been lit yet, and it was dark and quiet everywhere. My heart was also filled with this same gloomy color.

  I covered myself with a quilt and held back half a day's tears before they finally fell, wetting the thick, soft cotton blanket, warm and damp, in patches.