Two, Longing for Each Other

  My heart, in this cold and desolate state of mind, finally couldn't hold on any longer. My body grew weaker and weaker, and the old illness hadn't fully recovered yet, ultimately falling ill under the attack of new and old diseases. This illness wasn't particularly severe, but it was a lingering one that kept me bedridden.

  This illness, apart from those close to me, no one else knows. In these days, Xuan Ling did not summon me again, nor did he set foot in the Tongli Palace again. I gradually became unknown, and sank into obscurity in the hustle and bustle of the harem.

  At first, many people in the palace had a cold and detached attitude towards Ling Rong's deep favor. In their eyes, Ling Rong did not have a noble birth or a rich family background, was weak and timid, and her appearance was only average, not particularly beautiful. The only thing she could rely on was her exceptional voice, which was no different from Yu Shi who gained favor through singing. So they thought that Emperor Xuan's interest in her would not last more than two months before gradually cooling down. However, Ling Rong's weakness and shyness, as well as her unique gentle and elegant demeanor, made Emperor Xuan even more infatuated with her. Mu Yong Fei was silent for a while, and at that time, Ling Rong could be said to be the only one who stood out in the palace.

  Tangli Palace was truly deserted, with a cold and quiet atmosphere, except for Wen Shi Chu, no other imperial physician dared to come and treat me easily. The palace maids and eunuchs who used to fawn on me also avoided me. In the past, Murong Shilan's Miaoxiu Palace and my Tangli Palace were the two most lively places in the palace. Now they have both become deserted, it seems like a case of "one loss, all loss".

  My Tancheng Palace has become increasingly desolate. The courtyard is quiet, and the vermilion palace gate is often closed even during the day. The bustling door of the former market has long since moved to the current residence of Mingxuan House. The most frequent visitors to my courtyard are now only the sparrows that fall from the branches. The concubines still come and go as usual, but it's just Jingfei and Mei Zhuang. The palace people have gradually become accustomed to this desolation, and with nothing to do all day, they scatter a handful of millet in the courtyard to attract the birds to peck at food and take pleasure in it. Over time, the birds' courage has also grown, and they dare to jump onto people's palms to peck at food. With these chirping birds calling out every day, it can't be said to be completely quiet after all.

  Her heart had been cold and scattered since that day when she accidentally heard Ling Rong and Xuan Ling's conversation, and gradually extinguished the little thought and expectation in her heart. If it's like not seeing each other even when meeting, then it's better not to meet at all. Ling Rong was naturally busy, busy attending to the emperor, busy with night banquets, busy using her own singing voice to adorn this peaceful and prosperous night. She wouldn't have any words of comfort for me like she did that day with Xuan Ling. Occasionally, she would order Ju Qing to send some food and snacks over, indicating that she still remembered her sister who was ill.

  Meizhuang comes to see me and is always silent. Often quietly accompany me for half a day, looking at me with an inexplicable gaze, with a complex expression.

  One day I finally asked: "Sister, why are you always looking at me like this?"

  She smiled slightly: "I was just thinking, if you really lost hope in His Majesty, what would it be like?"

  I retorted: "Sister, do you think I still haven't lost all hope in His Majesty?"

  She said faintly: "What do you think? If you're determined to die for the emperor, why are you still lingering in illness and can't extricate yourself?"

  I was speechless for a moment before saying: "I really wish I didn't have to see him again."

  Meizhuang smiled lightly and shook her head after a moment of silence: "You and I are different. My relationship with the Emperor was shallow to begin with, so he had me confined and ignored, which is why I can understand his coldness and unreliability even better. Even if I were to regain favor, he would only see me as dispensable, and I wouldn't need to take it too seriously." Meizhuang stared into my eyes: "You and I are different."

  I asked her in a low voice, also asking myself: "Is it because I have more of the emperor's heart than you?"

  "If you no longer have any feelings for the Emperor, then like me today, I wouldn't be heartbroken because of his words or actions." She paused and said softly: "Actually, you also understand that the Emperor is not without feelings for you."

  I let out a soft snort, gazing out the window. "It's just that his thoughts, aside from state affairs, are almost all on Ling Rong." I lowered my head to look at my plain white fingernails, which had a transparent pale color in the light. The fine rain outside pattered against the windowsill, and the autumn atmosphere was hazy. The soft, gentle sound of the raindrops falling onto the broad, withered yellow leaves of the Chinese parasol tree was dull and urgent. I said, "Why say that Ling Rong had also interacted with us? Even though her words and actions were inconsistent, I had my guard up, but must I really run up to her and compete for favor in a sharp-tongued confrontation? I wouldn't stoop to doing that. Besides, the Emperor seems to like her even more."

  A hint of a smile played on her lips: "When you were favored, did Ling Rong help you gain imperial favor? And when she was favored, did she help you? If she helped you, why do you need to fight for favor? If she didn't help you, are you willing to quietly die in the palace? Besides, the emperor's heart is unpredictable. Today he likes you more, tomorrow he likes her more - there's never a fixed preference. What we women are fighting for isn't just that little bit of extra liking? If you don't fight for it, his liking will only dwindle, and eventually he'll forget you even exist."

  I quietly gaze at the chrysanthemums under the window, battered and blackened by the rain. The wind picks up in the evening, and the ground is covered with a heap of yellow flowers, wilted and damaged, not just Li Yi'an, but also me, Zhen Huan. Moreover, Yi'an has Zhao Mingcheng to think of. As for me, if I recall the past beauty, what follows is my disappointment and sorrow towards him.

  Perhaps, as Mei Zhuang said, I haven't completely given up on Xuan Ling. If I had completely given up, the disappointment and heartache wouldn't be so painful.

  Mei Zhuang said: "You have a heart that yearns for the Emperor, and you are emotionally eager, so it's hard to bear, and you're more resentful about who he likes. If you didn't care about the Emperor, then you wouldn't be sad, but instead would focus on scheming to get more of his favor. Someone without feelings won't waste their time being sorrowful."

  I smiled wistfully: "Meizhuang, am I really foolish? To actually hope for some pure warmth and love in the palace, and to expect it from our almighty king."

  Meizhuang had a moment of contemplation, her lips pursed into a beautiful arc, and after a long time, she said slowly: "What if I'm as foolish as you?" She turned her head, her sorrowful expression scattered like water, and smiled vaguely: "Maybe I'm even more foolish than you. In this world, there's someone who is more foolish than you, and that's me." I looked at Meizhuang in astonishment, perhaps at this moment, she was no longer the Meizhuang I knew. Perhaps at some point, she had changed, but I hadn't noticed.

  I reached out and gently grasped her hand, softly saying: "Sister?"

  She said: "Xu'er, you can be heartbroken, but don't be heartbroken for too long. There are already too many sad people in this palace, don't add another one to it." She stood up, the hem of her skirt on the clean floor like an incomplete flower petal. Finally, she turned her head and said: "If you're still so heartbroken, then you'll forever be just a sad person."

  Day after day, I lay ill in bed, and the continuous cold rain made me even more reluctant to get up. Anyway, there were not many people coming to the palace either. On that day, I was lying idly on my bed when I heard someone outside say that Princess He of Runan had arrived.

  Unexpectedly, she had only met her once before, and her husband, the King of Ru Nan, was also a person from behind Murong Fei. Now that I'm being neglected like this, why did she need to come visit a fallen-out-of-favor and ill concubine? Just as I was about to send someone to decline, He Concubine herself walked in.

  She just smiled warmly, chose a seat and sat down near me, saying: "Today was originally to come to pay respects to the Empress Dowager, and then went to visit the Queen, but unexpectedly heard that Your Majesty's body is not well, so I came specifically to visit you."

  I hastily smoothed my face, and since I hadn't properly combed or washed during my illness, I naturally looked pale and wan. I simply didn't get up, but instead lay there sideways and said: "This is embarrassing for Princess Wang to see me like this; when one is ill, they shouldn't be seen by others. I didn't expect Princess Wang to come suddenly, it's truly impolite."

  She didn't say much, just took a glance at my flat waist under the quilt and turned away with a faint sigh. This gentle gesture of hers made me feel a pang in my heart. She said: "It's been three or four months since we last saw each other, so..."

  I forced a smile: "Thank you, Princess, for your concern."

  I really can't stand her, after all, her husband and Murong Fei are in cahoots, so I'm just being polite on the surface. She didn't stay long either, only saying: "Your Highness, please take good care of yourself too." As she was leaving, she pointed to the table: "This box of hundred-year-old ginseng is a small token from me, I hope Your Highness can accept it and use it to nourish your body."

  I took a glance and said, "Thank you for your kindness."

  He Fei smiled slightly and turned back to say: "If Your Highness has any reservations in your heart, it's fine to get rid of it."

  I couldn't say anything else, so I just said, "How could that be? The princess is being paranoid." However, after she left, I also put the thing away.

  Two days later, the rain that had been falling for half a month finally stopped at dusk. The clear water droplets fell from the leaves, and the air was filled with a long-lost sweet and refreshing scent.

  The moon rises from the east, a silver hook, delicate as a woman's beautiful eyebrows. My interest is still good, so I ordered someone to take "Changxiangsi" in the courtyard, play the piano under the moon, it's also a elegant thing.

  I rarely have such thoughts and ideas since I fell ill, let alone having fun with Biyu and Zhu. With lowered eyebrows and fingers moving mechanically, my heart's secrets are revealed unintentionally.

  Longing for you, my heart is torn apart. The sun sets with flowers shrouded in smoke, the bright moonlight brings only sorrow and sleepless nights. The zither of Zhao has just stopped playing on the phoenix pillar, the Shu qin wants to play the swan string. This melody has a meaning that no one can convey, I wish to send it with the spring breeze to you. Thinking of you, far away across the blue sky, in the past, your sideways glance was like ripples on the water, now it's a fountain of tears. Don't believe my intestines are broken, come back and see me in front of the bright mirror.

  Li Bai's uninhibited and free-spirited nature, does he also have such a sentimental longing? What he yearns for, is it like mine, a bittersweet memory with a hint of sweetness? Just like that day in the upper forest, under the apricot blossoms, that encounter. Even if I'm heartbroken to the end, I won't be able to forget, right? After all, on that day, he emerged from amidst the sea of apricot blossoms, it was my first time, being so smitten with a man.

  Yesterday's sideways glance, today's flowing tears spring, between these falling and not falling tears, is my heart's dilemma.

  The name of Shu Gui Fei's zither is "Chang Xiang Si". I couldn't help but think, in the past, on a clear and bright spring night, with flowers blooming and the moon full, her zither harmonized with the late Emperor's flute "Chang Xiang Shou", what kind of sentimental thoughts they must have had. Such longing wouldn't be as fragmented and unbearable to recall as my own today, would it? Alas, in this palace, there was only one Shu Gui Fei, only one late Emperor.

  My mind is in a haze, my fingers wandering aimlessly on the silken strings of the zither, and I only managed to play the first part. The second part was beyond my strength to continue.

  Just as the zither's strings were about to fade away, a distant and faint sound of a flute drifted in, playing the second half of "Chang Xiang Si".

  Longing for each other, in Chang'an. The autumn cicada's cry echoes by the golden well, the frost is chilly and the mat's color is cold. The solitary lamp is dim, my thoughts are about to be cut off, I roll up the curtain and gaze at the moon with a long sigh. The beautiful person is like a flower beyond the clouds, above there is the vast blue sky, below there are the rippling waters of the river. The heavens are far away, the earth is distant, my soul flies in sorrow, my dream soul cannot reach the difficult mountain pass.

  The sound of the flute was faint and distant, a kind of wistful and lingering melody that seemed to exist and yet not exist. It was so soft and subtle that it moved people's hearts. I asked the people around me if they had heard the flute, but they all looked at me with puzzled expressions. I almost doubted my own ears, but then I saw Fen Bi's face, completely absorbed in the music, and my heart skipped a beat as I asked: "Did you hear it too?"

  Ling Yu was clearly absorbed in thought and only reacted after a moment, "Huh?" she said, "It seems to be similar to the tune you played earlier, miss."

  The "Changxiangsi" I played was lost in its elegance, but lacked the deep longing of that melancholic love. At this moment, listening to him play, the emotions in his flute are ten times more than mine.

  I stood up involuntarily and listened at the door for a while. The flute sound was distant, clear and gentle, swaying and undulating, three times nine turns, in the quiet night like a warm spring day, I felt that the stagnation in my heart was relieved a lot. Along with the occasional trills of the nightingale in the courtyard, it was as if large and small pearls were pouring into a jade plate with a clear and crisp sound.

  I sat up straight again, and with a familiar wave of my hands, the clear and mellow sound flowed from my fingers, and the melody took on three parts of genuine thought.

  The flute sound from that side seemed to be getting closer, and I could hear it more clearly. I followed the rhythm of the music and played along with the flute, so the piano and flute harmonized together. My mind was only focused on how to blend in, and for a moment, I forgot about the unhappiness that had been accumulating over the past few days. The piano sound was gentle and elegant, the flute sound was clear and empty, and the melody was also smooth and peaceful, like telling a heartfelt story. For a while, the beautiful willows and flowers were not surprised, even the moonlight lingered and hid, reluctant to leave. Two long melodies echoed in the shallow overlap of cloud shadows, responding to each other from afar, playing until the gentle breeze came, the dew was clear, the frost was bright, the moon shadow swayed, and it was lovely. Only the lingering sound remained in the courtyard, even the nightingale stopped its joyful singing. After the music ended, Xiǎo Suī laughed and said: "It's been a long time since I've heard Your Ladyship play such good piano."

  "I asked: 'Still haven't heard the flute sound?'"

  "It seems like I heard something just now, but it was very vague and unclear."

  I didn't expect it, and said: "I don't know which princess or young master in the palace can play such a good flute." Then I pushed the zither and stood up. Cui Bi had already taken the cloak in her hand, with an eager look in her eyes. I knew what she meant, and said: "You were also moved by that flute sound, weren't you?"

  Miss, would you like to go out for a walk?

  The moonlight shines all the way to the winding nine-turn corridor. The ancients trampled the snow to find plum blossoms, heard the fragrance of plum blossoms and left, I followed the sound to find the flute player, what I relied on was only that clear and vast voice like a strand of a secluded spring, it was just that light and faint strand. I stepped on the shallow and shallow clear light with Yu Bi, gradually moving further and further away.

  In the depths of the corridor, a man in plain clothes held a purple flute, slightly raised his head to look at the moon, and played softly. His eyebrows were relaxed, his expression was elegant, he stood leaning against the wind, and looked very carefree.

  As I looked up to see who it was, I hesitated for a moment, knowing it wasn't quite right. Turning my eyes to Fen Bi, she too had an unexpected look on her face. Initially wanting to stop in my tracks and not move forward, after some thought, I remembered that he had shown me kindness in times of danger. So I slowly walked up to him, exchanging nods as a greeting. Fen Bi also smiled slightly as she approached, curtsying properly. But I felt a slight sense of surprise: Fen Bi's actions were just a normal courtesy. Before I could think further, Fen Bi had already tactfully withdrawn.

  Xuan Qing's gaze lingered on my face for a moment before quickly shifting away, saying only: "You've lost a lot of weight."

  I smiled and said: "At this time of year when the west wind blows, it's only natural that people should be thinner than chrysanthemums."

  His gaze was filled with pity, and he gently swept it over me. At that moment, I couldn't bear or accept such a gaze. So I took two steps back, adjusted my clothes, and said solemnly: "On that day, the king's magnanimity saved me from danger, and I have remembered it in my heart, with gratitude that cannot be expressed."

  He listened to me like this, and suddenly felt a little stunned. There were a few points of clarity in his eyes, and he said: "The noble concubine must be so estranged from Qing? Unfortunately, the things that happened back then still can't keep the noble concubine's child safe."

  Everyone says that Qinghe Wang broke into the palace to save me just because I am the favored concubine of Xuan Ling, and saving me is just a way to curry favor with him. That's why he was willing to put in effort to add flowers to my birthday brocade, and now he's adding fuel to the fire. To put it nicely, it's all just for the sake of the imperial heir in my belly. Only I understand that his breaking into the palace is not just about this. But no matter what, such a heroic rescue can only be found in him within the palace.

  I smiled calmly: "Although I, the palace, fell today, but I am not a person who forgets kindness and betrays righteousness. If King Wang has any difficulties in the future, I will also do my best to assist him."

  He burst out laughing: "Hearing you call yourself 'Your Highness' is really awkward." He quickly turned serious: "Qing's assistance to the noble concubine was not for exchange."

  I nodded slightly, "Perhaps exchanging is safer for me."

  He said, "I hope Qing is not on the list. Qing also wishes you well, Concubine. Because... Qing considers you a kindred spirit." He paused for a moment, then said, "This place is desolate, why would you come here?"

  "We smiled and pointed at the purple flute in his hand: 'Who does the king think was playing the piano just now?'"

  He smiled brightly: "Perhaps it's just a guess from a clear and private heart, Your Highness."

  I smiled faintly and said, "Does the king believe that there is a matter of heart-to-heart communication in this world?" The words were asked very gently, but they hid a sharp edge.

  His figure stood tall in the cold and white moonlight, his slender outline adding a few more warm and peaceful touches. He didn't notice my intention, and said seriously: "I believe you."

  He was so serious and sincere that I felt a little guilty, why did he have to say it. However, the words had already been spoken, and I couldn't help but continue, "So, Prince Wang happened to know that I was trapped in Xiu Palace and came to rescue me just in time."

  His words were somewhat sharp, he silently faced him, "Actually..."

  I turned my head and said softly, "I know the king is doing this for my own good, but if he continues to secretly meet with my personal maid so frequently, it will not be beneficial to the king himself if word gets out."

  A faint gleam of pleasure flashed across his eyes as he said, "Thank you for your concern, Imperial Concubine."

  I secretly appreciated his candor, as if a hand had lightly and gently swept across my heart. However, I jokingly said: "Actually, it's nothing. If others really find out, I'll just do a favor and send her to the prince as a concubine."

  He coughed and gazed at me, saying: "If the noble concubine is joking, then that's fine. But if she's serious, then Qing will never understand romance."

  I raised my sleeve and smiled, thinking for a moment before saying: "How did you, Your Highness, happen to appear here tonight?"

  "He said: 'The emperor has a night feast, and all the princes and nobles are present.'"

  I couldn't help but smile lightly: "Has the prince run away with his tail between his legs again?"

  He also smiled: "This is a common thing." He hesitated for a moment and asked, "The An Xiaoyuan sitting next to the emperor seems familiar."

  "It was An Mei from before."

  His hand rested casually on the red lacquered railing: "Is that so? So An Xiaoyuan's singing has improved a lot, but what's lacking is her own flavor."

  I retorted: "Isn't it most important that Your Majesty likes it?"

  He seemed to be savoring my words, then looked at me and said quietly: "The piano sound just now revealed your concerns."

  I hang my head, the wind came last night, and it was fluttering on my clothes. I have indeed become much thinner, the wide butterfly sleeves were blown up by the wind, fluttering like snow in the wind. I explained in a low voice: "It's just a melody."

  "Music brings people together, it's true for you and also for me."

  My heart skipped a beat, and I thought of the meaning of "Longing for Each Other". My eyes involuntarily welled up with tears. However, I didn't want to cry in front of him again. Clearly, if I cried, it wouldn't just be me who was heartbroken. So, I lifted my head, and then lifted it again, forcing the tears back into my eye sockets, barely managing a faint, forced smile.

  He gazed at me intently, his eyes shining with a soft light, and his expression seemed to be one of deep sorrow. His hand rose involuntarily, as if he wanted to stroke my hair. I was taken aback, feeling a sense of fear in the depths of my heart. The surroundings were so quiet that I could clearly hear the sound of the osmanthus flowers falling to the ground when the wind blew by occasionally. The moonlight wasn't very bright, but this faint light cast on the hanging hair at my temples shone with a dark and cold luster, as if it wanted to isolate his warmth towards me. Suddenly, I felt a jolt, thinking that in this life, my body and skin had long been dedicated to Xuan Ling along with my name. My expression froze at this thought.

  He also understood, his hand stopped at a distance of one inch from my temple, and solidified into a stiff gesture.

  I quickly turned around and didn't look at him. The atmosphere was a bit awkward after all. I casually found a topic to say: "What is this place? It's so desolate."

  He was some distance away from me, and his voice came over somewhat indistinctly: "This is the Buddhist temple of the former Empress Dowager Cixi." After a brief pause, he continued: "My mother, the empress dowager, used to make people kneel here as punishment."

  Empress Dowager Xiaojing was the birth mother of the late Emperor Longqing, and had raised him since he was young after his own mother, Empress Xiaohui, died early. However, their relationship deteriorated when Concubine Shu entered the palace. It was later discovered that Empress Xiaohui's death was orchestrated by Empress Dowager Xiaojing in order to secure her position as empress dowager. After Empress Dowager Xiaojing passed away, Emperor Longqing issued a strict edict that only allowed her to be referred to as "Empress Dowager", and forbade the use of incense or sacrificial offerings at her spirit tablet in the Temple of Heaven. Her coffin was also not permitted to enter the imperial mausoleum, but instead had to be buried in a consort's tomb, without an emperor's posthumous name. The place where Empress Dowager Xiaojing resided was left abandoned and neglected, with no one to take care of it.

  The night grew cooler, and a crow perched in the tree suddenly let out a strange cry, shattering the silence. The autumn was deep and the frost was heavy, and I didn't realize that my collar and sleeves had already been chilled. I turned around to leave, saying: "Your Majesty has a banquet, and it's not convenient for you to stay out too long, after all, it's not in line with etiquette."

  He nodded, and slowly pulled out a lively little tune to see me off. The melody was cheerful, but listening to it made me feel extremely desolate. The hem of my skirt swept away the thin dust on the corridor, as if sweeping away something else. My face suddenly felt warm, like the temperature and moisture of his tears falling on my cheek that day when I dozed off. From afar, I saw him still standing in the same place, only using the flute to see me leave, and the faint sadness at the bottom of his eyes, I finally didn't believe it was just my imagination.

  The road of Yong Lane is long and desolate, with high palace walls on both sides blocking the view. Faintly, I can hear the sound of music and dance from the front hall carried by the cool breeze. Yuanyuan and I walked slowly, our two long shadows overlapping on the bluestone pavement of Yong Lane, like a single person.

  I was hesitating in my mind about how to start the conversation, but then I thought it would be better to ask her directly: "When did you and Liu Wang start interacting with each other?"

  She was taken aback, momentarily speechless, and hastily knelt down. I quickly supported her, saying: "Now it's your elder sister speaking with you; if you're willing to speak, then do so; otherwise, never mind."

  "She lowered her head and said: 'I didn't intentionally keep it from elder sister.'"

  "I said, 'But did it start from the time of my birth?' Seeing her nodding in agreement, I continued, 'No wonder you didn't let me go boating on Taoye Pond back then. It was also to give me a surprise, right?' I looked at her intently: 'So, when I was trapped in Miaoxiang Palace that day, it was also you who went to seek help from the Sixth King, wasn't it?'"

  "Ah, I nodded: 'At that time, the Empress Dowager was seriously ill and there was no one in the palace who could take charge for my elder sister. So I had to muster up the courage to go find the King.'"

  "So how many times did you come and go after that?"

  "There were only two times, once when the elder sister was pregnant and another time two days ago. The prince didn't say anything else, just instructed me to take good care of the elder sister."

  "He's also being considerate."

  Lingbi Road: "Elder sister, why did you suddenly ask today? Was it Prince Wang who told elder sister?"

  I slightly shook my head: "It's not. You just saw Liu Wang earlier and performed the usual courtesy, if you hadn't met him privately before, how would you know to perform the usual courtesy instead of the grand courtesy?"

  Her face turned red and she said: "It was my mistake."

  I whispered: "My current identity and status are embarrassing, if you come and go frequently with the king, it will not benefit the king or us, don't see each other privately again."

  "Alright."

  The alley was very quiet, and the faint sound of footsteps could be heard when the skirt rustled. The singing voice from the front hall was blown by the wind, soft and clear, it was Ling Rong singing, singing a "Changmen Fu".

  I stood still for a moment, smiled vaguely, and with her identity today, how could she understand the resentment of Chen Ajiao who was confined to Changmen? So I took Bianbi's hand again and went back together.

  In the depths of the palace, on this quiet yet lively night. Whose zither playing stirs up the lingering emotions in the misty and serene atmosphere? And whose elegant singing reveals the hidden sorrow beneath the beautiful face?