Memory, a crucial aspect for all living beings. I realized its importance after losing it. An irony, but that's how humans are, always ending up deeply realizing something after regretting its loss.

  Perhaps that's why I started frequenting the nearby library. I craved new memories through learning. It was the only thing I could hold onto at this point.

  Building connections with others within this loop would only end in futility. At least, I avoided that pain by keeping people away. Though, sometimes I satisfied my loneliness by having some conversations with my family.

  Almost every conversation unveiled the past, piece by piece. Eventually, I began to recognize myself again. But recognizing doesn't mean I could become myself again.

  Sometimes I wondered why I was trapped in this situation. But I could only ask without receiving an answer. Because I was asking myself, who didn't know anything about this at all.

  My life was strange when you looked at it. Every day seemed the same, after all, I was stuck in the same day. But I felt I had experienced this feeling before. The feeling of being trapped in a loop even before I was trapped in a loop.

  It was strange because I had no memory of it. Yet, I still felt it in my heart. A deep-seated feeling of a monotonous routine repeating itself every day.

  The more I delved into that feeling, the more I felt I had a memory of it, but I couldn't find it in my head.

  Yet, little by little, I started to realize a few things because of that simple feeling. I was sure of it because I remembered my job.

  I could clearly recall the laughter and smiles of my colleagues, but I couldn't remember their faces. It made me realize that I never considered them valuable in my heart. I only used them as an escape. Creating a place where I could be accepted so I could forget my problems.

  But I didn't understand what my problem was until I had to run away. After all, what was I running from? Why was I running away? To find comfort? To forget my problems? Or to feel fake happiness?

  But was it truly fake when I laughed with them? No, I laughed sincerely. I knew for sure that I was genuinely happy when I joked with them, even if it was just for a moment. I just didn't realize it until I lost them.

  I could still meet them. But if my current self met them, I'm sure I'd only be a liar. After all, I'd have to pretend to be myself for them to accept me. There was a fear of rejection when I thought of meeting them in my current state. Because they had only ever accepted me as I was, not as I am now.

  That thought further isolated me from the outside world. I became increasingly afraid of creating temporary relationships. I tried harder to convince myself that loneliness was an illusion. I tried harder to lie to myself that I was fine being alone.

  But in the end, I realized I was just a liar. Even though I actually hated lies. It made me increasingly aware of how much I hated myself.

  I kept running away. Seeking comfort amidst lies because I was afraid of honesty. Even though I actually wanted honesty in my life.

  I was confused. I didn't understand. What I truly wanted became the most difficult question at the moment. Not because I didn't have an answer, but because there were too many answers.

  I wanted everything. I wanted anything, even if it was something I hated or didn't. I wanted anything, even if it was two contradictory things, like lies and honesty. But that's precisely why I didn't understand what I truly wanted. Because I was too selfish to choose. I was too selfish to accept one thing and let go of another.

  I wanted to be loved. But I felt unworthy of love. In the end, I wanted to be hated.

  I wanted to be accepted. But I felt unworthy of acceptance. In the end, I wanted to be rejected.

  I wanted to be free. But I was afraid of freedom because I felt aimless because of it. In the end, I wanted unfreedom.

  I wanted certainty. But I was afraid of knowledge that might hurt my heart. In the end, I wanted uncertainty, even though I wasn't aware of wanting it.

  I wanted honesty. But I was afraid of honesty that might hurt my heart. In the end, I wanted lies that made me comfortable.

  The more I delved into my thoughts. The more I submerged myself in my heart. The more I realized one important thing that I truly wanted more than anything else in this world. It was happiness.

  Unlike everything else. Happiness was the only thing I could fully believe in. Because I clearly didn't want sadness.

  Even though I sometimes felt unworthy of it. But in the end, I still wanted it.

  How much sin a human bears is not important. How much guilt a human bears is not important. In the end, even the person who feels most unworthy of happiness will still realize that they still want happiness.

  Day after day, there was no significant difference. After all, I had given up trying to make changes. I chose to follow the flow of fate wherever it would take me. After all, I was just an ordinary human, there was nothing I could do when I had to face a predetermined fate. It's just that I didn't know what fate awaited me. I didn't care about it either. Because I was just water flowing with the current of fate.

  The only thing I could do was accept. Accept fate and myself. Because I only had those two things at this moment.

  On the same day, in the same morning, at the same time, I woke up in the same condition. As I opened the door to my room, there were three people who always greeted me warmly with smiles on their faces.

  You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

  Even though I still felt an oddness in my father's smile, I at least knew he was trying to smile for me. Knowing that was enough for me to make me happy.

  I also didn't try to figure out the truth behind his strange-looking smile. I just thought it might just be my feeling. But deep down, I was just afraid. That's why I chose to remain silent.

  Unlike my father, my mother and Maria were the two closest people to me and often chatted with me.

  But strangely, they were the furthest away from me. I even felt more connected to my father, who always seemed uncomfortable around me. But somehow, I felt more comfortable with him. Because I felt he was more honest than anyone else in this house right now.

  But I felt happier this way. Maybe it was better that I didn't know much. Maybe this was the best thing for me to accept things without thinking about them deeply. I just needed to accept it to feel happiness. Even though this happiness felt only temporary. Even though this happiness felt fake. At least I could smile now because of that happiness.

  I don't know how many loops I've gone through. I didn't think about it too much anymore. Because I felt I didn't need to find out more.

  This freedom felt very painful, but also comfortable. I felt relieved, even though my heart always felt empty because of it.

  But one day, I don't know which loop it was, I didn't care either. But there was a difference that made me curious for the first time since I first gave up on this loop.

  I woke up as usual and went to the mirror next to the closet in my room. I looked at myself in the mirror and just stood silent without any reason coming to mind. A face I didn't recognize, but it was my face. A body I recognized, but it was my body. The reflection in the mirror in front of me at this moment was myself. But still, even though I was sure it was me, I still felt strange when I looked at it.

  Because from the beginning, I never cared.

  But that wasn't what made me feel this loop was different. Because what surprised me wasn't myself, but another being who suddenly appeared in my room without any warning.

  There was no way I wouldn't be curious and confused after seeing a blue-haired man with white dove-like wings standing right behind me. I, who saw him from the mirror, turned my head towards the creature quickly.

  For the first time, something changed without my intervention in this loop, and it was this strange man.

  "Good morning, sir. I am the angel of time. Do you need my help?"

  "Help? I don't need any help. What are you talking about?"

  "Oh-ho-ho... You are a great actor, oh human."

  "Stop acting like a grandpa. What do you want?"

  "I've already told you my purpose, haven't I?"

  "Why do you want to help me?"

  "Because you are very interesting."

  "What's interesting about me?"

  "Your very existence."

  "Ha???"

  He smiled as his face slowly aged, his hair gradually turning white bit by bit. That's when I realized that even his body was aging rapidly for no apparent reason. Realizing that, of course, I became confused and curious. Unconsciously, my forehead furrowed, my eyebrows dropping lower.

  "Are you human? No... It doesn't seem so... What are you?"

  "I told you, I am the angel of time. I am your time."

  "Angel? I don't understand what you mean."

  "I know you understand. We've been watching you all this time, and we know you're an intelligent individual."

  "You said 'we'? How many angels are out there?"

  "I don't know our number either. I just know one thing for sure. We angels can be considered readers who can help the story flow smoothly."

  "Can I call you staff for this ridiculous thing?"

  "Ridiculous thing? What do you mean by ridiculous? The loop you're experiencing? Or the secret of your existence that's still unclear? Or... Maybe... Your own life?"

  "My existence that's unclear?"

  "Come on, don't pretend anymore."

  "I'm not pretending! I really lost my memory!"

  "You didn't lose it. You just forgot it. You forgot the memories you didn't want."

  "That's impossible. The more you want to forget something, the more you can't forget it. The only way is to divert your attention to something else so you can forget it without trying to forget it."

  "Hmm...," he smiled wider after hearing my words.

  "W-what's on my face?"

  "Have you ever thought about why you can be so sure of what you said before?"

  "... I... I don't know..."

  "Doesn't that mean you're experienced with it?"

  I started to lose my focus on him and preferred to explore my own memories. But I quickly refocused and said:

  "Just get to the point. What do you want?"

  "Oh come on, how long are you going to run away? Isn't it painful?"

  "Painful? What do you mean? I'm fine now and not in trouble."

  "Don't you consider this loop your problem?"

  "... I don't know."

  "You don't know. You're just trying not to validate what you're actually feeling. Aren't you comfortable being in the loop? Why are you comfortable with something that should frustrate you?"

  "I just gave up and chose not to do anything."

  "But your attitude isn't like someone who's given up."

  "What do you mean? I'm not even trying to do anything."

  "If you really gave up, why could you give up? You gave up doing what? Why did you give up if there's nothing you can do?"

  "I'm just give up and accepting my fate."

  "Accepting and give up are two contradictory things. You won't be able to accept something that hurts you, will you? You know that very well."

  "But there's nothing I can do, what's wrong with me giving up when I can't do anything?"

  "I'm not saying you're wrong. I never said you were wrong for giving up. Only yourself who thinks that way."

  "W-what!?..."

  "I'm just asking what made you give up."

  "I don't know."

  "You don't know?"

  "That's why I gave up."

  "You gave up because you don't know?"

  "Yes, that's right."

  "Does that make sense?"

  "Of course it makes sense, what are you trying to tell me?"

  "Doesn't someone give up when they can't achieve what they want? Then you? You gave up because you don't know?"

  Feeling annoyed, I shouted at him, "there's nothing I can do! Are you deaf!? If you knew my situation right now, you'd think I couldn't do anything anymore, wouldn't you?"

  "If you don't know anything, then why can you be so sure that you can't do anything anymore? Why did you give up on something you don't know?"

  "..."

  I fell silent. I felt strange. I was confused. I was afraid. I felt all those feelings and didn't understand why I was getting them.

  My body and feelings felt like they were being controlled by someone else who wasn't me. But I knew it was me. It's just that I felt strange because I felt alien to myself.

  "How long have you been trapped in this loop?"

  "I-I..."

  "Have you been counting?"

  "Yes... But..."

  "How many loops have happened until you reached this point?"

  "I lost count..."

  "Are you sure you lost count?"

  "Yes."

  "Not deliberately losing it?"

  "Ha? Why would I do that?"

  "I don't know, maybe to satisfy yourself?"

  "You're weird."

  "May I ask one more thing?"

  I sighed, tired of this fool, and replied, "go ahead, I'm tired of showing my emotions in the form of expressions just to express myself to your strange questions."

  "That's good, calm down and ponder this question in your heart."

  "Whatever, ask whatever you want. I don't care anymore."

  He wasn't angry at my rude attitude. Instead, he smiled wider and asked me:

  "How many times have you lied to yourself this time?"

  "Eh?"

  That question seemed to pierce my heart. I felt pain, but not physically. The pain didn't go away even when I pressed my chest very hard. I didn't understand this pain, but I felt like I wanted to slam my head against the mirror in front of me over and over again until I was satisfied.

  I did what I wanted. Unconsciously, my forehead was already covered in blood, and my face was damaged by the shards of glass that started to scatter on the floor around my feet.

  When I felt satisfied, I looked back at the cracked mirror, starting to realize something. I'm smiled while out of breath from exhaustion.

  "Since when did I turn around? Wasn't I facing the strange man?"

  I turned around and looked around the room and found no one but myself.

  That's when I realized that I had never turned around to see a strange man. The shadow of the strange man I saw in the mirror at that time wasn't the shadow of another person. Because the shadow of the strange and stupid creature wasn't someone else's, it was my own.

  When I started to realize the situation properly, I chose to sit on the edge of my bed after picking up a piece of glass that was wide enough to show my face.

  I kept staring at the mirror that showed my face and smiled afterwards.

  "This is still me."

  That smile wasn't an expression of happiness. But a smile because I had seen something miserable that I considered worthy of being laughed at.

  Slowly but surely, my forehead furrowed because my chest felt painful again. But this time I didn't hold my chest tightly because I was getting used to the pain. Instead, I chose to cover my face with both hands after throwing away the shard of glass I was holding.

  "What am I actually doing!?"

  As I tried to return to normal. I realized that both my palms were wet. My cheeks felt like there was liquid flowing between them. That's not blood in my face, because That's when I realized I was crying.

  There were many choices I could make right now. There were many things I could try to do right now. But I chose to look for the shard of glass I had thrown away before.

  I picked up the shard of glass again and looked back at my miserable face, which was becoming increasingly unpleasant to look at because of the wounds that covered my face. The tears that flowed only worsened my vision and also my miserable face from the beginning.

  "After everything... This is still me..."

  It's true, I'm still me, I never became someone else. I never lost my memory. I know that better than anyone in this world. Because I am me. No one else can understand me. Because there is no me other than myself.

  I've been making a big lie all this time. I lied to myself about it. I convinced myself that the lie was the truth. Even though I knew it was just a lie, I accepted it. Because I felt comfortable with that lie.

  The truth is... I never lost my memory.

  I was just a great liar.