Xian moved as if through a fog, unable to keep track of time, too lost in the recesses of his own mind. It was clear that he was already losing himself to the curse of Rathania, and faster than the Lotuses who had come before him. But how much time did he have left? Could he hold on to the threads of his sanity long enough to reach the end of the war that may or may not include Semetra? Could he provide enough information for Semetra to make a wise decision about who to support in the war between Rathania and Zylinth?

  A voice in the back of his mind told Xian that the obvious choice would be to support Rathania in the war: if not because of the unstable and unpredictable behavior of Sultan Aboiye, then because of the benefits allying with Rathania would bring to Semetra. But Xian couldn't even bring himself to fully trust that voice, not knowing if it was his own logic or some beguilement that had been cast on him.

  Even as his feet guided him to trail behind the Semetran delegation during their daily walk around the castle, Xian could barely focus on putting one foot in front of the other, let alone focus on everything around him as he usually did.

  So when Xian was grabbed from behind, a hand pressed tightly over his mouth, he was taken by surprise. It was like he was in the beginning years of his training all over again: jumped from behind, dragged off to some dark corner of nowhere and--

  Xian's back slammed against the wall, and he was instantly hyper-aware of his surroundings. The room was small, no, not a room, a closet then. Only one small window near the ceiling brought any source of light to the room, but it was more than enough for Xian to see who had him pressed against the wall.

  Prince Lamaj was in his usual royal finery, rather than the plain clothes he wore whenever he visited Xian, his red hair showing the beginning stages of dishevelment. But unlike every other time Xian had seen the prince with disheveled hair, his handsome face was marred by the scowl on his face, twisted with fury.

  "How long have you known?" Lamaj growled, pressing the full weight of his body against Xian, making Xian's movement near impossible.

  Xian swallowed back his instinctive denial, trying to fall back into the role he was meant to play, "Your highness, what are you talking about?"

  "Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you," The prince's expression grew darker, and something in Xian quailed at his anger, "And cut the crappy accent, we both know that your Common is better than that. How. Long. Have. You. Known?"

  Known what? Xian ran through all his encounters with the prince, before coming to one conclusion. How long had Xian known that the prince wasn't a dream? He was joking, right?

  If that was all, Xian could admit that much, "Long enough," He relaxed slightly, "Come on, Lamaj, did you honestly think I would think I was getting visited by a spirit every single night? Let alone a spirit that left such... lingering marks."

  The prince grit his teeth at that, and Xian felt like he had a modicum of control back. No matter how much the madness had taken from him, he was not nearly as foolish as Lamaj thought he was.

  "So you used me," Lamaj snarled, his grip on Xian's arms tightening," You let me think I was in control of the situation."

  Xian bristled at that. At what point had Lamaj not been in control of their encounters? The prince had known he was a spy from their very first meeting, he had known he worked for Semetra, and he came to Xian's bed anyway! Xian had denied him nothing, when had Xian ever been in control?

  "I used you just as much as you used me, your highness," Xian didn't trust himself to speak any louder. He hadn't asked for any of this, he had done what he had been taught to do. "Don't pretend that you weren't just as interested in milking me for information as I was interested in your intelligence, however useful it might be."

  "Useful?"

  Xian had always thought that his biggest fear in life was Akita Kurekage's rage. But watching the fire in Prince Lamaj's eyes grow cold, feeling his calloused hand clutch his throat with enough strength to crush his windpipe if so wished... Xian fully believed that this would be how he died.

  I'm so sorry A-die. I tried...

  But Lamaj kept the pressure teetering on the line between painful and life-threatening, "You call leaking information to Zylinth useful? Information that led to a town of innocent people getting decimated?"

  The prince's pupils were elongating, narrowing to little more than slits. At the same time, Xian could feel the fingers pressed into his flesh growing sharper, digging deeper and deeper. So the prince could turn into a beast, even involuntarily...

  But Xian didn't understand. He hadn't leaked any information to Zylinth, he hadn't even spoken to anyone from Zylinth, and even if he had, it wasn't like Xian knew any information that would have been helpful to either side of the war. Xian mustered what air he could fill his lungs with to respond, "What town?"

  "Perpone," Lamaj spat the word like a curse, his eyes returning to normal, even if his fingers remained just as sharp, "You told them about Perpone and the pass beyond it. Outside the royal family, hardly anyone knows about that pass. I just happened to tell you about it, and four days later, the Zylinthian army just happens to raze it to the ground. Tell me, how does it feel to have the blood of those women and children on your hands?"

  Xian froze at that. He had just told the Gardener about Perpone to show that Lamaj wasn't telling him anything about the war...but then Xian remembered how focused Akita had been when Xian traced that same pass on the map.

  But that didn't make sense! Semetra gained nothing from a small mountain town being destroyed, and for the life of him, Xian couldn't figure out what could be gained by the Zylinthian army advancing, "I...I merely did what my emperor instructed me to do." The excuse sounded hollow, even to Xian's ears. "But... Semetra hasn't decided which side to back..."

  "Clearly your country doesn't seem to agree," Lamaj's words cut through Xian's denial, and he had to accept the truth of the matter. For some reason, the Gilded Emperor had decided that Semetra would side against Rathania.

  "I should throw you in the dungeon and be done with you, Xian. I've allowed this to go on for far too long."

  Xian's blood ran cold at the thought. Dungeons didn't scare Xian, nor prisons, he had been in his fair share over the years. But just the thought of Lamaj throwing him away now that he realized that Xian was of no use to him had some twisted corner of his heart wailing in despair.

  This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

  "If you do such a thing, you will force Semetra's hand to side with Zylinth. I am a representative of the emperor, after all, a chosen member of the delegation." Xian's words were nonsense, he knew that. Semetra had already sided with Zylinth, and Xian's role in the delegation was a farce, he had no real political power to lean on.

  But a desperation that Xian hadn't felt since he was a child was screaming at him to prove to the prince that he was useful, that there was a reason to keep him around, a reason to not throw him away.

  Lamaj wasn't buying Xian's words any more than Xian was, "You're a spy, pretending to be a nobleman because it suits your cause and gives you an added layer of security. But we both know that's all for show." The prince leaned in close, and the warm breath that once gave Xian shivers now burned like hot irons, "Tell me truthfully: if you were thrown into a dark hole and never saw the light of day again, would your emperor even care? Does he even know your name, or are you just another pawn for him to play with until you no longer suit his needs?"

  It was a completely unnecessary question. Of course the Emperor didn't care about Xian, it wouldn't surprise him if the Emperor had no idea what his name was. The Gilded Emperor had more important things to concern himself with than the worries of every servant. And of course Xian was expendable, that was the point. With how dangerous a Lotus's mission was, it was only reasonable to select those with no family connections; the fewer families that had to mourn in Semetra, the better. Xian's entire purpose was to tip the scales of his karma enough to grant his A-die a good life in the next cycle.

  But was that even possible now? Xian couldn't help but think about the town of Perpone. It wasn't a military outpost, there were no supplies being hidden there, no Rathanian troops hiding in plain sight; there was absolutely no reason to attack Perpone, let alone completely wipe it from the map. But Zylinth had done just that, and Xian had indirectly given them the information to do so.

  Xian was the one responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of deaths.

  Even if Xian wasn't already succumbing to the madness, he could never be free of the blood on his hands.

  He had failed.

  Had the Gardener, and by extension, the Emperor, sent Xian to gather information despite having already made the decision to stand against Rathania in the upcoming war? Had he been sent only to find the best way to cause the most Rathanian deaths?

  That wasn't... that wasn't what he had been trained to do. He was supposed to gather intelligence of any dangers against Semetra, he was supposed to neutralize any who might pose a threat.

  But Rathania hadn't attacked anyone. Even against Zylinth, whom they were actually planning to go to war against, let alone Semetra. The only slight Rathania might have given Semetra was considering not inviting her to the coronation.

  And Semetra had handed Zylinth the town of Perpone without hesitation.

  Xian had handed Zylinth Perpone.

  Closing his eyes, Xian tilted his head back against the stone wall, "Of course, the Emperor would not care, if he is even aware of my existence in the first place," Xian murmured. Had all of it been a lie, then? The hope of reaching a good life in the next cycle, had that been a lie too? "I don't know why Rathania sees fit to send her prince to lurk in the shadows, but Semetra only risks what she can afford to lose..."

  When Xian opened his eyes again, the raw anger in Lamaj's eyes had dimmed slightly. There was still rage, but Xian could see a flicker of turmoil and anguish.

  "My mission was to collect information to help Semetra make a wise decision concerning this war Rathania and Zylinth are determined to have. But apparently, the Emperor has decided he would rather have Zylinthian jewels." Xian shook his head, wincing as he felt Lamaj's claws dig in deeper, "I had no idea the pass to Perpone would be used against Rathania. I had to give a report, and I thought that was the most innocuous bit of information I could hand over without raising suspicion."

  A moment passed, then Xian felt the sharp pain in his neck recede. Warm droplets began to gather, but neither Xian nor Lamaj paid them any mind.

  "Why are you telling me all this?" Lamaj asked, his brow furrowed. Suspicion, "Is it just because I'm pissed? Or because I was about three seconds away from ripping out your jugular?"

  "You wouldn't have ripped out my throat," Xian replied. Perhaps the madness was advancing, but Xian was sure of that.

  Lamaj's eyes narrowed, "You have no idea what I'm capable of when I lose my temper, Xian."

  "I have more of an idea than you know, your highness," Xian shook his head again. If anything, Lamaj had been gentle; he hadn't even shoved anything under his fingernails or used boiling water. "But regardless of the lies and deceit on both our parts, Perpone should have never happened. To attack a town of civilians...it's dishonorable."

  His dishonor now.

  Lamaj raised an eyebrow, "You're trying to tell me that a Semetran spy can't abide by dishonor? Seriously? You make your living by crawling around unseen and stealing secrets."

  Xian knew that, Xian knew that he was the lowest of the low. But he had wanted so desperately to collect enough honor, to prove to the gods that his family deserved another chance in the next life.

  "We all live by our own codes. Honor is precious, scarce, I cannot afford to squander any of it."

  But now Xian couldn't even convince himself that he deserved a life in the next cycle.

  A hand cupped Xian's cheek, drawing him from his thoughts. Lamaj had pressed in close once more, but the burn in his gaze had very little to do with anger.

  "Help us, then."

  The words struck Xian like lightning. Training in the Lotus Pond, Xian had been taught to expect attempts to turn him from Semetra. He had been trained to withstand hot irons and thumbscrews, dry drowning and starvation.

  He had not been trained to withstand gentle caresses and soft words. Was this the real danger of Rathania? The madness that had consumed all Xian's predecessors, had it come on warm words and soft touches? Had it been loving and inviting, and completely unassuming until it was too late?

  Was it too late for him already?

  "You of all people know what a dangerous idea that is," Xian whispered, "It isn't so simple..."

  Lamaj sighed, pulling back and taking his warmth with him, "If you won't come out and say it, how am I supposed to trust you?"

  Panic filled Xian like he had never felt before. He knew he wasn't trustworthy, he was a liar and a killer, and at that moment he couldn't even be sure he could trust himself. But at that moment, all Xian could think of was how to convince Lamaj that he was worthy of trust. Anything to bring that warmth back.

  "We'll have to continue to meet in private," Xian couldn't believe the treasonous words that were coming from his mouth, "If anyone finds out what I'm doing..."

  A smirk pulled at the prince's lips, "So we'll continue to meet at night," Lamaj leaned forward, his breath hot against Xian's ear, "I'd like to think that perhaps you got something out of our meetings more than just information."

  Xian shuddered, and from the chuckle that came from the prince, he had felt it too. This was it, wasn't it? Xian was going to lose his mind and vanish; reduced to a small collection of reports for Lotus number eight to read and ponder just how he had succumbed so quickly.

  Lamaj's hands moved to either side of Xian's head, boxing him within his grasp, even if the prince had to look up at him ever so slightly, "What, does the all-knowing spy have nothing to say?"

  He'd already said far too much, that was the problem. But on this matter, at least Xian knew what he needed to say, "I could never deny you anything," He admitted, "such is the right of princes."

  Even if Xian had the power to deny Lamaj anything, he doubted he would ever have the will.

  Lamaj flinched as if he had been struck, the mischievous look vanishing in an instant. He stepped back from Xian, and Xian felt the panic rise as his mind quickly went about trying to figure out what he had done wrong.

  "I never...Xian, I can't..." Lamaj shook his head, and how was it Xian was already feeling a chill in his bones?

  The prince then steeled his expression, his shoulders square and firm, "I will never touch you again without your express permission."

  The panic almost made Xian blurt out permission instantly, but his confusion won out, "Express permission? That's an odd sentiment for royalty, Your Highness."

  "Oddly enough, I don't take pleasure in the thought of forcing myself on others," Lamaj's expression was almost the same as that heavy stare that he had given Xian all those nights ago at the coronation. "And no one in my family, or the royal family, takes pleasure in holding our status above our lovers."

  Xian's chest squeezed tightly at the word 'lovers,' but with Lamaj no longer pressed against him, he could focus on more than just the warmth of his touch. He needed to extricate himself from the situation, before the madness swallowed him whole, "We're going to be suspicious if we continue to stay missing in the middle of the day."

  Lamaj nodded, "I'll come to your room tonight, we can discuss our next moves then."