Bke pov

  Kali : " Bke we both know that Lappnd at that time was not often herself . We both know that it was mainly due to her mental state , which doesn't excuse anything Lappnd did as a White Wolf but it certainly puts it in a different light . However at the time I for one was very tired of stantly w about you two . So, without thinking about it too much, I got carried away with my emotions, which made me acte instinctively. "

  Kali : " I didn't look at the situation from Lappnd perspective and I didn't delve into her thoughts . I didn't listen to her version of events . I didn't even sider her mental state and her mental illnesses . Simply when I firmed that what she did had happened I felt it was right to punish her . It may have been a quick thought that never even had time to e true , but it was there ."

  Mum says with bitterness in her voice. I really tell by her face that she regrets it . But I also uand her feelings as I too feel this ahat arose from the realization that people not involved, in the affairs of the white fang Suffered at the hands of Lappnd. However, now that anger is almost gone . Because I am no longer so stupid and blind as to believe that I have not harmed is with my as .

  Kali : " Bke , Lappnd is not simple . To even begin to uand her we both had to spend years with her . As for you it was always more difficult because of ye and your approach to the world . But me? Unlike you, I know more. As I knond's past I uand what she sees through her eyes . "

  Mom says , catg my attention with the mention of Lappnd's past . After this wards mum paused for a moment looking as if she was thinking . Eventually mum sighed and with the most gloomy and sad face she tinues her thoughts .

  Kali : " Lappnd..... She doesn't have the same view of the world as we do . The way she sees colours the way she hears people's voices , the way she perceives facial expressions and the atmosphere of her surroundings . Each of these things are the first things she pick up from her surroundings as child. Although everything seems to be identical to every other person for her it is different . Everyone should see the biutifule colours of the world . However Lappnd sees only bck , white and...... red ."

  Kali : " Because of the ditions in which Lappnd grew up , her first tacts with the world is wrong . First voices are for her associated with loud shouts and annoying noises . The male face are pain and pathology , the female face are betrayal and lies . The adults in Lappnd's eyes had bee someorustworthy , a direct source of her pain. "

  Mum says squinting her eyes for a moment . However, she is not looking at me rather she is looking into space thinking about something deep .

  Kali : " Lappnd growing up was not listeo , Lappy was not free , the love she received was not even close to be enough to cover or ease her pain. Lappnd was treated like an animal , so she became ooo . I do not know myself what exactly was going on at the time what I am saying now is a simple psychological analysis bined with the study of Lappnd's body . "

  Kali :" But ohing I am sure of if it were not for Lappnd's mother , little Lappy would already be dead , and even if she had lived I do not even want to think how worse life could have been for her . Bke what you should uand from this or you already uand is that , the only thing Lappnd really knows is lies and violenbsp; . "

  Says mum with so much emotion a in her voice that I feel it all even deeper than my words describe . However, her words became even more profound and painfull when she mentioned Lappnd's mother. I could see her trying to hide this rea however her words when she spoke of Lappnd's mother sounded as if she knew her

  Her tone was as if she was talking about a old friend her eyes did not help hide these reas either. However, out of respey mother's silend pain I did not ask . But by then I had already firmed that Lappnd's story is much more ected to my parents than they want to admit .

  Kali : "From Lappnd's first visit to the psychologist, me and your father already knew how bad it was with her . It was so bad that we khat she would never be sidered normal by people . Her treatment pns were multi-year pns . And it was in the first instahat these ive views of Lappnd's world were to be suppressed . "

  Kali : " Unfortunately, Lappnd was already suppressing many memories aions by whiothing could be dohout breaking her fort zone . However, over time these views and wildness on her began thten and fade on their own . Unfortunately, it was only ter that it became apparent that her old view of the world , along with her animalistic behaviour had not disappeared . Rather it was retained , absorbed by her other self which was already a huge problem at that time . "

  Mum says sighing with fatigue. At my mother's words I myself recalled that monstrous part of Lappnd that I had already seen in her . Just then in Ats when she rescued me , she tore people's throat with her teeth and bit off their fingers while at the same time they threw her little body all over the bathroom .

  Lappnd didn't show the slightest human behavior then, she was just an animal backed into a er. For the few years this behaviore it almost never appeared until we joihe white fang together . Lappnd over time became mgressive even to fellow members occasionally growling at them as a response while showing her fangs .

  Kali : " For many years of her life Lappnd relied only on her aggressive primal instincts to survive . Which caused her old world reition and memories to hide there too, thus creating a seore violent and savage personality . Unfortunately, Lappnd's instincts have influenced her so much that they have bee an inseparable part of her. It is the instincts of Lappnd , that is her schizophrenic voi her head . Her sed self . A monster I don't want to see in my own daughter . The Lone White Wolf of the white fang "

  Says mom pressing one of the titles that Lappnd through her career of several years has collected . Lone wolf defihe st year when everyone including eveurned away from Lappnd leaving her with the title of lone . A title used right o mad Lappy or rabies wolf.

  Kali : " Unfortunately, because of so much pressure on this Lappnd brutal self . It has bee pletely unstable and deranged by the past . So it stantly presses on Lappnd causing more damage . Unfortunately Lappnd is so deeply ected to her instincts that they directly merge with her core self . Luck's instinct for self-preservation suppresses Lappnd's natural instinct. "

  Says mum slowly expining . Mum doesn't have to do that though , over the years of knowing Lappnd I have looked at this type of fusial illness many times making me uand how one affect the other making everything even more plicated . This is how I know how unstable and hopeless Lappnd's situation is .

  Kali : " Hence Lappnd personality disorder . Her two selves unsciously csh affeg her . Disturbance or abrogation oher side lead to extreme emotional disturbance. However, it also works the other way round. Intensifyiions directly affect the Lappnd selves , which have gaiheir own void appearahrough schizophrenia creating a real impa Lappnd . This is why she be so easily annoyed , angered , driven to fury . "

  Kali : " This is why Lappnd is so often cold and indifferent . That's why small Lappy does such stupid things despite her intelligeherefore, I ot really judge Lappnd for her crimes even if she herself is aware of them . I ot judge a young girl who for most of her youth has seen things at which even adults should not see . How I judge a girl who even as an infant had her bones broken . How I judge a girl who only saw the sun for the first time at the age of six . How I be angry at a girl who enjoys even the mere feeling of fresh wind on her face . Lappnd is someone for whom freedom was not guaranteed from the beginning ."

  Says mom when with every word tears gather in her eyes and her voice breaks . I myself also tightened my lips . Listening more myself I began to cry at the same time biting my cheek so hard until I felt the taste of blood in my mouth .

  Kali : " Lappnd is a wolf , a wolf who was kept on a for most of her life . A wolf whose fangs have sharpened more and more over time by the pain and will. A wolf who needed her freedom like a bird he sky . But the world of Lappnd has been locked within her for too long , so that even with freedom in her hands she doesn't uand how to live with it . "

  Kali : " Her past and fear of it limits her , creating a monster within her . A monster in Lappnd , which we have experienced with our own eyes . A monster who is lurking in her waiting patiently until Lappnd's will weakens and she hides within herself letting her instincts take over . I know it still doesn't expin anything, I know it's not fair to many people but Lappnd........ is sid she ot be held fully responsible for her as iate she was in at that time ."

  Says mom emphasizing her point of view . And holy from the information given by mom I know that Lappnd has already suffered her own in life and the fate I inflicted on her ainful enough for her .

  ' The only person who has not suffered punishment for her sins is me .'

  I think . However, despite these thoughts, I tried to behave normally to no longer sadden my mother . Both of us are apparently fed up with ive emotions .

  Kali : " Perhaps more knowledge for you , about Lappnd past would have ged everything that happened but I was afraid to tell you . Not because I don't trust you but because knowledge Lappnd's past might ge too mu you . This case goes far beyond domestic violence . And it involves dangerous circles of people creating danger from the very uanding of what sequehis informations has."

  Kali : " Besides, I have e to the clusion that Lappnd's past is not something you should hear from me but from Lappnd herself as no one has the right to tell you about it except her."

  Mom says expining herself . And I fully uand her .

  ' It's Lappd's past and no one has the right to talk about it except her , especially with the burden that this past carries. '

  Thinking about it I look at my mother who looks at me with a weak smile.

  Kali : " And it is because I know all these things and know the whole truth , I really thought I would never see my little Lappy . I thought that the past had caught up with her , that this demon had finally found her !!"

  Says mom at first with sadness and theioning the " demon " she explodes with an anger I have never seen in her . Mom's pupils tracted as if in Lappnd's eyes when showieeth she hit the wooden table with her fist and by the sounds it made immediately afterwards I could tell it was seriously damaged . However, immediately afterwards, Mom calmed down and looked at me again .

  Kali : " Balke darling you do not uand Lappnd as well as I do , but even with all my knowledge I don't know how to deal with her. Over the years of looking after her I have learnt more and more about her so that I know that despite how tough she may seem , she is terribly fragile . Maybe her body is a "perfect killing mae". Maybe her thinking is different. "

  Kali : " But we both know that in them end , a gesture, a word or just a bad day and Lappnd strong , dominant personality es crashing down. This whole mask of hers is just pretending to be a castle . But unfortuhis castle Is made of gss which when brokeually hurts her even more . Thats why Lappnd he support of people who even if they don't uand her well .... still love her and guide her by the hand through this world that wants t the worst out of her . "

  Kali : " Lappnd is a good child , no matter what she does , she was always ho about it . It's just that some wounds never heal and just cause pain in a person for the rest of his life . In the end , it is impossible tet some things even if we want to . But don't fet Balke that if you cross the border and break Lappnd ......"

  At that moment mom fell silent . I could see the tears gathered in her eyes again .

  Kali : " She will kill you . "

  Says mom directly with a palpable pain in her voice caused by the mere enunciation of this thought . I for that feel a cramp in my heart , because I realize it very well . Even if in my entire life , Lappnd has never hurt me does not mean that the moment Lappnd loses her mind she will not do so , especially since she has every right to hate me .

  Kali : " Bke I never want to think about the fact that I lost you because of Lappnd just as I never want to lose her because of you . Both of you are important to me . The only thing I want to see is your smiles . That secretive , shy smile of yours at which you always blush and the pure and kind of real smile that only Lappnd show ."

  Says Mum , smiling herself . I don't bme her , the thought of the Lappnd genuine and pure smile is really f , especially si is shown by a person who has been through a lot .

  Unfortunately , acc to Mum's words , the smile on Lappnd's face over the past few years has been invisible . Even at the beginning of her career in white fang Lappnd practically stopped smiling . The only smile that remained was that smile full of pain showing the edges of Lappnd's madness .

  Kali : " How much I wouldn't give up to see her with such a smile again . "

  Says mom pletely anticipating my thoughts which causes me aing in my heart . I received the first such smile in years when I helped Lappnd escape from her prison after a year . It was our first meeting in a year and her first real smile in years . However , I could well see the way she looked at me then , it was as if she was absent . Just awakened from a strong and long sleep .