Content Warnings:

  SpoilerSelf harm

  [colpse]My mom stands from the couch and rushes forward, before locking me in a tight embrace.

  “Oh, Honey…” She murmurs, “I know.”

  Tears stream down my face as I process that information. “You do?!” I shout, causing her to pull away. “Sorry. You do?”

  Tears trickle down her cheeks as she smiles at me. “Of course, Kiddo. It was kind of obvious.”

  “Not to me!” My dad shouts.

  “Hush, Gerald.” She says to him.

  “How was it obvious?” I ask, more than a little confused.

  “Well…” She says, as she pulls me to the couch to sit. “You’ve always been… well… for ck of a better word, different. I never really knew why, but you being a girl checks all the boxes.”

  I giggle at her. “Yeah…”

  “Then there’s your hair.” She says. “You’ve always liked it long, which isn’t an inherently girly thing, but recently you’ve been having me do it in a very feminine style every day.”

  “Oh…” I say softly. “I didn’t realize.”

  “Then there was st night.” She says, and I tilt my head at her. “I don’t think you realized it, but you were talking in the same voice you are now.”

  “Oh…” I repeat. “Yesterday was a lot… I can see how that happened…”

  “So, if you’re a girl now,” My dad starts, but my mom cuts him off.

  “She was always a girl, dear.”

  “Right.” He says, waving her off. “Can I continue, Evelyn?” My mom nods and he starts speaking. “Do you have a name that you want to use now?”

  I nod repeatedly, and smile at them. “Emmy.”

  My mom lets out a soft wail as I speak. “Oh, Emmy.” She says, and hugs me again. “It’s perfect.”

  “Thank you, Mom.” I respond.

  “So, what now?” My father asks. “Where do we go from here?”

  “Well…” I say softly. “You two switch to calling me Emmy, and your daughter. Use she and her for me when you talk about me to other people.”

  “What about when we’re talking about you before this?” He asks.

  My mom shoots him a look, but I wave it away. “Always Emmy. Always she her.”

  “Got it.” He says, and looks up at me apologetically. “Sorry. I’ve never been good with this stuff.” He sighs deeply. “But I want to help.”

  “Thank you, Dad.” I say as I wipe more tears away. “It means a lot.”

  “So, what else?” He asks. “I mean, surely you need new clothes and stuff, right?”

  “Well…” I say softly. “Yes. I could use some new clothes.”

  My mom squeals in delight. “Yes! We can go shopping tomorrow. Spend the whole day getting you new clothes, shoes, some makeup, whatever you want!” She gasps as she realizes something. “Oooh! I get to teach you how to put on makeup!”

  I giggle at her enthusiasm. “Actually uh…” I say softly. “Holly already taught me…”

  “Oh?” She asks. “Holly knows?” I nod, and she smiles. “Makes sense. You have been more upset than I expected every time you have to leave her house. I guess it was because you could be yourself there.”

  “Yeah…” I say softly.

  “Well, now you can be yourself everywhere.” She smiles at me.

  “Want to see what I look like?” I ask her.

  “Yes!” She shouts, and I pull out my phone. “Oh my god! You’re adorable!”

  “Let me see.” My dad says, and I turn the phone to him. “Wow…” He says softly. “I would never have been able to tell…”

  “Thanks.” I say, and swipe through more of the photos so they can see.

  “Okay so,” My mom says thoughtfully. “Makeup, clothes. What else do you need?”

  “Well…” I think. “We need to talk to Asgard, see if they can update my name and gender in their systems.”

  “You want to go to school like this?” My dad asks, and then pauses. “Not that that’s a bad thing, I’m just checking.”

  “Yes.” I say firmly. “This is who I am, and I am not going to hide it.”

  “Okay.” My mom says with a smile. “We might have to get your name legally changed to do that.”

  “Isn’t that a bit soon?” My dad asks. “I mean, how long have you really been thinking about this? Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.” I state firmly. “And as for how long… that’s complicated. I only just realized I was trans yesterday, but looking back on my life, it was obvious for so long.”

  “What do you mean?” My mom asks.

  I sigh, and open my music app. “I wrote this song just over a year ago.”

  I press py. My parents listen intently as the opening notes of the song progress into the melody, and then the first chorus. “Colors fshing, beats collide. Lost in rhythm, nowhere to hide. Searching for answers in the sound, but the solution can’t be found.”

  My mom begins tearing up again, as she recognizes the voice in the song as mine. “Every day feels like a dream. Caught in a loop, can’t find the theme. Looking in the mirror, who’s that face? In this skin, I’m out of pce.”

  The song continues into the pre-chorus, the beat thumping loud through the room. “Voices telling me, ‘Just be you.’ but it’s hard when you don’t have a clue. Trying to find where I belong, in this body, something feels wrong.”

  The chorus pys again, and then moves into the second verse. “Running circles in my mind, a thousand thoughts, none aligned. Wearing smiles, hiding tears, in this dance, I’m facing fears.”

  The pre-chorus pys again, followed by the chorus, and I smile as we hit the bridge. “Lights and shadows py their game. In this maze, nothing’s the same. Feeling lost, but I’ll keep on, hoping someday I’ll be strong.”

  I meet my mom’s gaze and decide to belt out the st chorus and the outro. “Colors fshing, beats collide. Lost in the rhythm, nowhere to hide. Searching for answers in the sound, but the solution can’t be found.”

  Tears well up in my eyes as I see the awe in her eyes as she listens to me sing. “In this journey, I’ll keep on, searching for where I belong. Maybe one day, I’ll see clear, and find peace in the mirror.”

  “That was wonderful, Emmy.” My mom says, as she pulls me into a hug. “Sad, but wonderful.”

  “Thanks mom.” I say with a smile. “That st line, ‘Maybe one day, I’ll see clear, and find peace in the mirror.’” She nods. “I’m there. Since I’ve started down this path, everything has been so painfully obvious, and I’ve been so incredibly happy, especially when I look at myself.”

  “That’s wonderful.” My mom says happily.

  My dad clears his throat. “Okay so, new clothes, name change, talk to the school…” He says, listing off what we’ve already discussed. “What else?”

  “Well…” I say, thinking. I’m already this far… I could turn back so easily if I want to, but I don’t want to. I could never want to. Full send. “I want to get on HRT.”

  “What is that?” Mom asks.

  “Hormone repcement therapy.” I expin. “I want to get on a testosterone suppressant, and estrogen, so I can catch up to the other girls my age.”

  “I see…” She says. “If that’s what you want, and it clearly is, I support you.”

  “I do as well.” My father says. “It’s clear you’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”

  “I’ll call your primary and set up an appointment tomorrow.” My mom says with a smile. “Sound good?”

  “Sounds great.” I reply, feeling happier than I ever have before. “One more thing.”

  “Anything.” My mom replies.

  “I need a haircut.” I say. “Something overtly feminine. I want to dye it too, if that’s okay.”

  “Sure.” My mom says. “Most salons are pretty booked out… but I have an appointment with Shelly in a few weeks. If I can’t get you anything before school starts, you can take my appointment.”

  “Are you sure mom?” I ask, not wanting to take from her.

  “I’m sure.” She says with a smile. “My roots aren’t showing that much anyways.”

  I throw my arms around her in a tight hug. “Thank you.” Then I stand up, walk to my father, and hug him too. “Thank you too, Dad.”

  “You’re welcome.” He says, and smiles at me. “I love you, Emmy.”

  “I love you too, Dad.”

  “So, Emmy.” My mom says. “I know you have that date tomorrow…”

  “Yeah…?” I ask, confused.

  “Let's get you up early, and we can go shopping before it. We’ll get you a whole new wardrobe, and something to wear on your date. Then if we have time, we can stop at a nail salon, get you a mani-pedi.”

  “I would absolutely love that.” I say, my heart soaring.

  My mom squeals. “Ooooh, I’ve always wanted a daughter to do girly things like this with, I’m so gd you figured it out!”

  I giggle at her response, and look at my dad. “Sorry you don’t have a son to do boy things with anymore.”

  He waves me away. “Bah, you were never much of a guy anyways. I’d be happy either way. I’m just happy that you’re happy.” He looks me square in the face. “You are happy, right?”

  “More than I have ever been before.” I say with a smile. “Thank you, both of you, so much.”

  “You’re welcome, Emmy.” My mom says. “We love you.”

  “And I love you too.” I respond, and turn to head to my room.

  “Not so fast there, Kiddo.” My dad calls out to me. “I wanted to thank you for your help the other week.” I tilt my head, and he continues. “The research you did.”

  “You already thanked me, Dad.” I say. “Besides, it’s no big deal. I’m always happy to help.

  “Oh,” He says with a grin. “Well in that case, I’ll just return your gift.”

  “Gift?!” I ask, excited.

  “That got her attention.” He says, and elbows my mom in the ribs, before turning back to me. “The notes you sent me on your research helped quite a bit with the case.” He says with a smile. “We won. I was originally going to give you a small cut of the earnings, but then I learned something.”

  “Do tell.” I say with a smile.

  “The woman who’s case we worked on is named Penelope Andora.”

  “No!” I shout.

  “Mother of Amelia Andora.” He says, before pulling out a wrapped box from behind the couch.

  I grab it immediately and tear it open. Inside is a picture frame, with a limited edition promotional poster for Nightfall. Tears fall down my cheeks in torrents as I look closer at it. There are signatures over each champion in the game, each done by their voice actor. I gently touch the gss over Emmy, and read the words. ‘With love, Amelia Andora.’

  “You like it?” He asks, and I cannot do anything but nod. “I think she likes it.”

  “I love it.” I manage to say, my voice broken and hoarse. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, Emmy.” He says with a smile. “I already put up the nails in your room. Let’s go hang it up.”

  “Please!” I shout, and stand up immediately.

  My dad walks me into my room, and takes the frame from me. The nails are to the right of my desk, and he carefully ys it onto them. I sit there staring for a moment, and then pull out my phone to take a photo.

  “This is really amazing, Dad.” I manage to say. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, princess.” He says, a slight sniffle in his voice.

  That single sentence breaks through the emotions, and pushes a high full bodied ugh out of me. “Princess?”

  “What?” He asks, refusing to meet my gaze. “I thought it was fitting…”

  I pull him into a hug. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “You’re welcome, Emmy.” He says with another sniffle. “I’m going to go back to the living room.” He pauses at my door, still not meeting my gaze. “One more thing.”

  “Yeah, Dad?”

  “Send me a couple of those photos of you. I want to get them printed for my desk…” He pauses, and I hear a faint sob break through, that he quickly hides behind a chuckle. “Maybe post them on HeadTome, so the rest of our family can see how beautiful my daughter is.”

  “I will.” I say. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” He chokes, and then quickly shuts the door behind him.

  I sigh as I sit down on my bed. I should tell Holly. I pull out my phone, quickly send my dad a bunch of my favorite photos of myself, and give her a call.

  “Hey, Emmy.” She says, the moment she picks up. “What’s up?”

  “So, I’ve got some news.” I say with a grin. “I decided to heck with it, and told my parents that I’m a girl.”

  “Oh…” She says softly.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask. “You don’t sound happy about it.”

  “I am.” She says. “How did they take it?”

  “Very well!” I say excitedly. “Surprisingly well actually.”

  “That’s good.” She says, her voice faltering slightly. “Hey look, I’m really tired. I’m gonna get some sleep. I want to be rested for our date tomorrow.”

  “Sounds great, love.” I say happily. “Sleep well.”

  With my call ended I pull most of my clothes off, open my window, and get nice and comfortable under my bnkets. The cool breeze that wafts in, as well as the soft sounds of the night, gently lull me to sleep. God, what a day… I think as I start to drift off. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy.

  ?????????????

  “Oh god… Oh god, oh god, oh god!” I scream, and sm my head into the wall.

  I can’t believe I did this. I fucked up so badly. I throw myself onto my bed and sob into my pillow. I should have backed off when I had the chance. Should have told him sooner than this that he doesn’t have to be a girl to be with me.

  I scream again into my pillow, not caring if my sister or my mom hear. I waited too long, and now he’s gone too far. He did all this for me. I’m fucking worthless! He told his parents that he’s a girl, because I was too fucking selfish to tell him he didn’t have to be.

  My nails cw into the soft flesh of my inner arm, and I rake them down, enjoying, needing, the pain. His life is never going to be the same, and it’s all my fucking fault! Even if I tell him now, it doesn’t matter. How will that look to his parents? ‘Uh, by the way I’m not actually a girl. I just did that to make my girlfriend happy.’

  They’ll never let me see him again. He’ll never want to see me again. I take several rapid breaths, and fail at grounding myself. I can’t tell him. If I do, it’s over. But the longer I don’t tell him, the worse it’s going to be for him.

  I curl up into a shaking, worthless, disgusting mess. My throat aches from the screams, and my wrists feel like they’re on fire. Either I tell him now, and lose him, or I let this continue, and hold on for dear life. It doesn’t matter… I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it.

  Please don’t hate me for this, Emmy.